Intimacy

Robes And Rings At The Ready...

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Today is Christmas Day. The sweetest thing happened with God.  Oh wow.  I tasted a little of what the prodigal son experienced in Luke 15, when he came back home after squandering his inheritance and hanging with the pigs...and was met so beautifully by his merciful Father. Obviously I haven't been backsliding or squandering my stuff...but I had definitely drifted away from the beautiful presence of God over the last week. I'd been feeling so burnt out...ended up being quite lazy...sleeping too much...catching a cold....needing rest but knowing I needed to meet my book writing deadline...so to try and catch up on writing I hadn't been spending time in the secret place with Jesus. I would just pray in the morning and then crack on with writing.  At night, before sleep I'd be watching TV to zone out.  My mind felt a little disengaged from God.  I missed Him so much. When I opened my eyes this morning and remembered it was Christmas Day my heart sunk a little because I was like..."Dad I've been away all week in my heart and I'm scared that I won't be "present" with you in my heart the way you deserve today...on this super special day to celebrate your Son, it sucks that I just don't feel spiritual...I feel numb...and I don't know even know how to seek your face because my heart feels cold...and kind of zoned out...etc etc etc.

I got out of bed, brushed my teeth and then standing in the kitchen I started to pray. I began to apologise and to explain to Jesus that I knew I hadn't really given Him my time this week, the way that He deserves, even when I could have. I wanted to be honest and confess to Him my shortcomings.  I wanted to share with Him my desperation to see His face.  That I missed Him. As I began to pray I wondered if I would be able to press in and meet with Him. Would I be able to get beyond the outer court into the Holy of Holies?  Was there a chance that I would have the delight of even glimpsing His beautiful face.  Yet before I could even get beyond the first couple of sentences suddenly He came. He floored me instantly with His love. I began to weep.  I felt His embrace all around me.  I began to laugh out loud with fresh delight at His scandalous mercy. I cried and laughed at the same time, repeatedly telling Him how crazy His love was. I suddenly felt the way I am convinced the prodigal son must have felt.  Before his son could even vocalise the apology he must have been rehearsing his entire journey home, the father was already telling his servant to fetch his robe...get the signet ring...prepare the feast because my son has come home.

Thats exactly how I felt. We had a feast right there. It was so glorious. Please don't get me wrong, I am not unfamiliar with Gods mercy and scandalous grace and I have been a recipient of it millions of times. I can't even tell you of how many occasions just like today when I have wondered just how I will see Gods face after where I've just been...or what I've just said...or thought...or done, and instantly He has taken me into the most holy place of His presence.  I never can take that access for granted and every single time He opens His heart up to me in that way I am undone.  Yet what I love so much about today was that this morning -  Christmas Day - was totally meant to be all about about glorifying Him and lavishing Him with my affection and devotion in a fresh way to say thank you for Who He is and what He did. Yet rather than prep my heart for it over the last week I'd been so disengaged. Rather than pray before I went to sleep last night I'd watched TV to switch off. Heaven had every right to be a little aloof given I'd been a little distant over the last week. Heaven would have been totally qualified to make it a little bit difficult to press in considering how unspiritual I was feeling on such a special occasion, where in fact it should have been about sincerely appreciating that Jesus was the greatest gift ever. 

Yet He floored me with His scandalous love and once again, rather than the shoulda, woulda, coulda's, He simply made it about His incredible goodness.  Like totally. Not only did He totally mash me up afresh with His love, His mercy and Father's embrace but He flooded me with holy laughter...something I have been asking for and praying for.  I was literally overcome with holy giggles as I stood there in my kitchen in fits of laughter at the crazy, unfathomable love of our Father.  It went on for ages.  It felt so delicious.  I can't believe that only minutes earlier I had been wondering if I would even have the opportunity to glimpse His glory today...HAAAA...only to encounter the sweetest communion ever. Literally got swept off my sweep...had a robe placed around me...signet ring straight in my finger...partay partay partay before I could even say "Papa I'm sorry!!" Oh my gosh, I simply cannot get over what a beautiful, perfect, Father in heaven we have. I am SO SO SO in awe of His Son, His Spirit and His scandalous love.

Time and time again I have been knocked out by just how lavish our God is with His presence. He is not like man. When someone is aloof, distracted or disengaged from us, as humans we have the tendency to withhold our affection...guard our hearts, protect our space just in case we get rejected again right? Not God. No matter how unfaithful we are, He never ever withholds His presence or His love from us.  Instead, even when we are unfaithful...He is always there just like the Father in the parable...waiting to meet our gaze the moment we choose to look in the direction of His beauty once again...He runs towards us...arms wide open...rings and robes at the ready...having already prepared a feast in the presence of our enemies...ready to celebrate our prodigal hearts, however far...however close...returning home to Abba Father. Aaaah love. Sweet love.

Merry Christmas Jesus....Son of God...Darling of heaven. You my sweet love, are the greatest gift of all. x

God Made Me Amazing

Image Credit: http://Pinterest.com

Image Credit: http://Pinterest.com

For a very long time God has been dealing with a deep deep deeeeeep issue in my life. I'm thinking maybe a good few years actually.  A massive area, deeply rooted, which has layers upon layers I guess. It all started off with me coming to terms with the fact that I had simply lost my voice. Despite being a leader, having a fair bit of influence...having so many loving, encouraging people around me...somehow, somewhere along the line I had, in the name of humility and protocol chosen to stay silent rather than voice my opinion...perhaps because of not wanting to rock the boat in relationships...or so as to not appear rebellious or unspiritual...or for fear of rejection or being misunderstood...I don't know really...all I know is that I had become voiceless.

Now to look at me you would think that's just stupid. Most people would label me very vocal and outspoken but I'm simply not. Most often than not if I don't feel safe or valued I just keep my thoughts to myself.  I was in heart turmoil as God began to reveal this stuff. Slowly I realised that I simply couldn't fear relationships breaking down or people rejecting me as a reason for not speaking up and voicing my thoughts. Especially when God had positioned me to speak, to have a voice...to influence.  If I stayed silent out of a false sense of humility I was hardly stewarding the voice He has given me right?  So here Papa was urging me - urging me hardcore - to face up to some truths. I had to be willing to reveal my thoughts and my opinions with confidence when needed - in the moments where staying silent had been my posture...and I had to understand that my thoughts were just as God centred as the next person's.  

I had to be willing to work through conflicting perspectives without fear of messiness. I had to be willing to not always agree with everyone and I had to be willing to fight for what was in my heart. Bottom line - I had to confront some stuff.  Whether I liked it or not, I had to engage in courageous communication in order to be more authentic...and in order to be free.  It was properly horrid but I realised that not confronting it and remaining mute was far worse.  And so I began.  I started to communicate courageously despite the discomfort and vulnerability.  I started to speak up.  Perhaps not in a conventional way but in a way that was powerful and liberating for me.  Amazingly as I began to walk through this my relationships actually got stronger and authenticity of a greater degree kicked in. Note to self - speaking up in love is healthy.

But God wasn't done yet. Not by a looooong shot.  As I navigated through the choppy seas of brave communication and slowly began to find a place of peace in the battle that had surrounded me, He began to go deeper in my inners about fear of man. Eeeeek how crazy? I didn't even know how deeply rooted this stuff was. He began to show me that just as in the name of humility I had succumbed to being silent...in my fear of man and fear of rejection I had also lost my fire.  Great - thanks God, nice one.  Haha, painful to discover but unfortunately true.  He showed me that the wild, intrepid dancing girl who came into the kingdom wide eyed...guns blazing, had somehow lost her fiery ammunition and conformed to the expectations of others - thinking it was humility, but in actual fact it was a form of religion. Eeeeek eeeek eeeeek. A thousand times eeeeeek!!  

He began to show me stuff that needed to change, as He enlightened the eyes of my heart. He also had children of God speak words of truth into what I can only describe as an identity crisis I was having.  Somewhere in my journey as a Christian a lid has been put on and I'd lost myself.  Sure, when I came to God there was soooo much He needed to purge out of me...what with all the sex, drugs and rock and roll but there was tons of stuff I now realise that He wanted me to keep, to enjoy, to radiate...but somewhere along the line in the pursuit of dying to self and being humble, I had let the sparkle in me die too. I had let the fiery way in which God made me...the sassy, bold, brash, in your face, wild, love the limelight, dancing, glowing gal become a gentle wall flower...and newsflash that's JUST NOT ME!! Haha!

Don't get me wrong - I love love looooove the grace, the love, compassion and I do believe quiet strength I walk in. I desperately needed to be tamed by God's presence and I'm so grateful for all the foul living and messed up thinking that was removed from my life...but I have come to understand that some of the stuff I was led to believe needed to be purged and pruned out of me because it was apparently part of the old me is actually very much part of the divine way in which I was fashioned. It's very much part of the way God will use me and although it may at times be too much for the church, it's by no means too much for God.  And so in the midst of all this inner stuff God was working on He began to reveal to me through our time together and through beautiful brothers and sisters in Christ that fear of man HAD TO GO. This was the time to fully embrace who I was in God...to unapologetically radiate His wild side and to not hold back.

 To dance, to sing, to scream, to shout...to shine His light without caring what people think...I was told a very powerful statement - "God is not intimidated by you being amazing". Like oh my gosh how liberating!!!  You see for the longest time I was crippled by fear of disappointing God. Of making it about myself instead of Him. Of shining brightly my own radiance and trying to steal the glory away from God. I fled from the limelight. I kept silent. I tried my utmost to die to my desires - even my God given ones - in order to flee from selfish ambition and to be yielded. And don't get me wrong I did all those things from a pure heart...a heart that desperately wanted to prove faithful before God...a heart that wanted to have Christ seated in the centre of it. Yet in my desperation to 'humble' myself before God and man...I think I totally lost myself.

For fear of getting it wrong, I simply conformed to what people around me said I should do or say or be. But it's not anyone else's fault. I am surrounded by the most amazing, loving people anyone could ever desire. I am soooo blessed by the relationships I have. But I cannot be defined by them. I have to be me...and I now realise that I have to be true to who that is in Christ. Even if it's not conventional or expected or if it doesn't follow the norm. And the exciting thing is that all the gorgeous people around me totally want that for me - they fully want me to be me in God - but because I didn't know what that was I guess, I conformed a lot along the way...which is my error not anyone else's.  And so as God began to awaken this stuff in me I knew it was time for the lid to come off. It was time for me to fully embrace the way God had made me and to not be apologetic about it.

It was time for me to be completely comfortable with letting Gods light shine through me. It was time for the fear to go - fear of stealing Gods glory - fear of failing - fear of man - fear of rejection. It was time to not be shy about being amazing in God.  And to let others do the same. And somehow I now find myself on the other side of this undoing. I find myself unbridled.  I can now look back and see how God's beautiful Spirit moved in my life over the last few years to help me see as He sees...sometimes it moved incredibly violently...sometimes a little more gently...in order to renew my mind and take me to a higher place as an image bearer of God.  And today I stand here a little bolder...a little freer...a little more dazzling.  

And it's changed not just how I see myself but how I see others. I want to call out the radiance in them. I find myself hungry to raise people up. I want those in my care to step out and be incredible in God. I want them to be bold...to have faith in God's ability to preserve them from falling, as they simply go wild for Him. I want my ceiling to be their floor. I don't want there to be a lid on any of them. I don't want them to have to ever hold back on being who they have been called to be, just to conform to what may be expected of them. Because as I have recently discovered... "God is not intimidated by any of us being amazing".  On the contrary, our beautiful, ever radiant Father of lights, delights in it.

x

 

Running on Reserves

I'm really bad when it comes to refilling my petrol tank on time…I see that orange light flashing, informing me that I need to refuel - and most often than not, although it completely registers in my mind…I still find myself waiting another 15 miles or so before I actually fill up my petrol tank again.  Now if I was doing this occasionally then haaaay it's not really a big deal - I'm sure my motor could cope with my negligence and wouldn't really be affected…but you see I'm doing this on the regs, despite knowing full well that the reserve fuel is there to keep the low pressure pump cool and prevent it from overheating…yet nevertheless I'm ignoring the warning signs and seeing how long I can wing it before I REALLY REALLY need to refuel.  So basically, because of my laziness and negligence I'm totally mashing up my fuel pump in the long run - which ultimately will end up costing me dearly, unless I sort it out and start refueling on time!  Hmmm…note to self…fix up missy…smiles.

We sometimes do the very same with the presence of God.

Image from: http://wallpaperswa.com   

Image from: http://wallpaperswa.com

 

We get internal warnings that we're running on empty…whether it's because things have got really busy, or because we're distracted or anxious…maybe because we're tired and demotivated…or simply because we're just being plain old lazy about spending quality time drinking from the well of God's presence…whatever the reason may be, the fact is that we're operating on an empty tank…we're not tanked up with the joy and peace and hope and creativity that can only truly be birthed in God's presence…and so we're running on reserves and often times seeing how long we can wing it…some run on reserves for a day…some do it for a week or a month and some even do it as a lifestyle…

Soooo…instead of practicing the habit of being refueled in God regularly so that we can truly operate at our best…we sometimes allow ourselves to settle for the reserves, rather than the irreplaceable refreshing that can only be found in the fullness of God's presence…somehow convincing ourselves that running on reserves will be sufficient…thinking a weekly worship service or corporate prayer here and there…will keep us afloat…but just like with my motor…even though I might think I've gotten away with it because I managed to get petrol, in the nick of time, before the car broke down - I still don't actually have any idea of what's happening behind the scenes deep inside the core of my car and I probably won't find out til later the actual damage that my lack of discipline and negligence has caused…and so it sometimes is with us…we choose to learn the hard way…sometimes it takes a break down…a disaster…an internal explosion or some sort of soul revealing encounter to show us how desperately dry we have become.

Because you see, running on reserves may for a time seem sufficient…but sufficiency isn't abundance…and we are called to lives of abundancy (John 10:10)…and in no other area is abundance more significant than in regards to the Presence…for out of the presence flows EVERY SINGLE THING pertaining to LIFE (Ezekiel 47).

So let's not compromise…let's not settle for less…let's not drink with a straw from the dregs of the barrel when we have the entire ocean at our disposal…

…Let’s determine in our hearts to take a trip down to the river each day.