Robes And Rings At The Ready...

Today is Christmas Day. The sweetest thing happened with God.  Oh wow.  I tasted a little of what the prodigal son experienced in Luke 15, when he came back home after squandering his inheritance and hanging with the pigs...and was met so beautifully by his merciful Father. Obviously I haven't been backsliding or squandering my stuff...but I had definitely drifted away from the beautiful presence of God over the last week. I'd been feeling so burnt out...ended up being quite lazy...sleeping too much...catching a cold....needing rest but knowing I needed to meet my book writing deadline...so to try and catch up on writing I hadn't been spending time in the secret place with Jesus. I would just pray in the morning and then crack on with writing.  At night, before sleep I'd be watching TV to zone out.  My mind felt a little disengaged from God.  I missed Him so much. When I opened my eyes this morning and remembered it was Christmas Day my heart sunk a little because I was like..."Dad I've been away all week in my heart and I'm scared that I won't be "present" with you in my heart the way you deserve today...on this super special day to celebrate your Son, it sucks that I just don't feel spiritual...I feel numb...and I don't know even know how to seek your face because my heart feels cold...and kind of zoned out...etc etc etc.

I got out of bed, brushed my teeth and then standing in the kitchen I started to pray. I began to apologise and to explain to Jesus that I knew I hadn't really given Him my time this week, the way that He deserves, even when I could have. I wanted to be honest and confess to Him my shortcomings.  I wanted to share with Him my desperation to see His face.  That I missed Him. As I began to pray I wondered if I would be able to press in and meet with Him. Would I be able to get beyond the outer court into the Holy of Holies?  Was there a chance that I would have the delight of even glimpsing His beautiful face.  Yet before I could even get beyond the first couple of sentences suddenly He came. He floored me instantly with His love. I began to weep.  I felt His embrace all around me.  I began to laugh out loud with fresh delight at His scandalous mercy. I cried and laughed at the same time, repeatedly telling Him how crazy His love was. I suddenly felt the way I am convinced the prodigal son must have felt.  Before his son could even vocalise the apology he must have been rehearsing his entire journey home, the father was already telling his servant to fetch his robe...get the signet ring...prepare the feast because my son has come home.

Thats exactly how I felt. We had a feast right there. It was so glorious. Please don't get me wrong, I am not unfamiliar with Gods mercy and scandalous grace and I have been a recipient of it millions of times. I can't even tell you of how many occasions just like today when I have wondered just how I will see Gods face after where I've just been...or what I've just said...or thought...or done, and instantly He has taken me into the most holy place of His presence.  I never can take that access for granted and every single time He opens His heart up to me in that way I am undone.  Yet what I love so much about today was that this morning -  Christmas Day - was totally meant to be all about about glorifying Him and lavishing Him with my affection and devotion in a fresh way to say thank you for Who He is and what He did. Yet rather than prep my heart for it over the last week I'd been so disengaged. Rather than pray before I went to sleep last night I'd watched TV to switch off. Heaven had every right to be a little aloof given I'd been a little distant over the last week. Heaven would have been totally qualified to make it a little bit difficult to press in considering how unspiritual I was feeling on such a special occasion, where in fact it should have been about sincerely appreciating that Jesus was the greatest gift ever. 

Yet He floored me with His scandalous love and once again, rather than the shoulda, woulda, coulda's, He simply made it about His incredible goodness.  Like totally. Not only did He totally mash me up afresh with His love, His mercy and Father's embrace but He flooded me with holy laughter...something I have been asking for and praying for.  I was literally overcome with holy giggles as I stood there in my kitchen in fits of laughter at the crazy, unfathomable love of our Father.  It went on for ages.  It felt so delicious.  I can't believe that only minutes earlier I had been wondering if I would even have the opportunity to glimpse His glory today...HAAAA...only to encounter the sweetest communion ever. Literally got swept off my sweep...had a robe placed around me...signet ring straight in my finger...partay partay partay before I could even say "Papa I'm sorry!!" Oh my gosh, I simply cannot get over what a beautiful, perfect, Father in heaven we have. I am SO SO SO in awe of His Son, His Spirit and His scandalous love.

Time and time again I have been knocked out by just how lavish our God is with His presence. He is not like man. When someone is aloof, distracted or disengaged from us, as humans we have the tendency to withhold our affection...guard our hearts, protect our space just in case we get rejected again right? Not God. No matter how unfaithful we are, He never ever withholds His presence or His love from us.  Instead, even when we are unfaithful...He is always there just like the Father in the parable...waiting to meet our gaze the moment we choose to look in the direction of His beauty once again...He runs towards us...arms wide open...rings and robes at the ready...having already prepared a feast in the presence of our enemies...ready to celebrate our prodigal hearts, however far...however close...returning home to Abba Father. Aaaah love. Sweet love.

Merry Christmas Jesus....Son of God...Darling of heaven. You my sweet love, are the greatest gift of all. x

God Made Me Amazing

Image Credit: http://Pinterest.com

For a very long time God has been dealing with a deep deep deeeeeep issue in my life. I'm thinking maybe a good few years actually.  A massive area, deeply rooted, which has layers upon layers I guess. It all started off with me coming to terms with the fact that I had simply lost my voice. Despite being a leader, having a fair bit of influence...having so many loving, encouraging people around me...somehow, somewhere along the line I had, in the name of humility and protocol chosen to stay silent rather than voice my opinion...perhaps because of not wanting to rock the boat in relationships...or so as to not appear rebellious or unspiritual...or for fear of rejection or being misunderstood...I don't know really...all I know is that I had become voiceless.

Now to look at me you would think that's just stupid. Most people would label me very vocal and outspoken but I'm simply not. Most often than not if I don't feel safe or valued I just keep my thoughts to myself.  I was in heart turmoil as God began to reveal this stuff. Slowly I realised that I simply couldn't fear relationships breaking down or people rejecting me as a reason for not speaking up and voicing my thoughts. Especially when God had positioned me to speak, to have a voice...to influence.  If I stayed silent out of a false sense of humility I was hardly stewarding the voice He has given me right?  So here Papa was urging me - urging me hardcore - to face up to some truths. I had to be willing to reveal my thoughts and my opinions with confidence when needed - in the moments where staying silent had been my posture...and I had to understand that my thoughts were just as God centred as the next person's.  

I had to be willing to work through conflicting perspectives without fear of messiness. I had to be willing to not always agree with everyone and I had to be willing to fight for what was in my heart. Bottom line - I had to confront some stuff.  Whether I liked it or not, I had to engage in courageous communication in order to be more authentic...and in order to be free.  It was properly horrid but I realised that not confronting it and remaining mute was far worse.  And so I began.  I started to communicate courageously despite the discomfort and vulnerability.  I started to speak up.  Perhaps not in a conventional way but in a way that was powerful and liberating for me.  Amazingly as I began to walk through this my relationships actually got stronger and authenticity of a greater degree kicked in. Note to self - speaking up in love is healthy.

But God wasn't done yet. Not by a looooong shot.  As I navigated through the choppy seas of brave communication and slowly began to find a place of peace in the battle that had surrounded me, He began to go deeper in my inners about fear of man. Eeeeek how crazy? I didn't even know how deeply rooted this stuff was. He began to show me that just as in the name of humility I had succumbed to being silent...in my fear of man and fear of rejection I had also lost my fire.  Great - thanks God, nice one.  Haha, painful to discover but unfortunately true.  He showed me that the wild, intrepid dancing girl who came into the kingdom wide eyed...guns blazing, had somehow lost her fiery ammunition and conformed to the expectations of others - thinking it was humility, but in actual fact it was a form of religion. Eeeeek eeeek eeeeek. A thousand times eeeeeek!!  

He began to show me stuff that needed to change, as He enlightened the eyes of my heart. He also had children of God speak words of truth into what I can only describe as an identity crisis I was having.  Somewhere in my journey as a Christian a lid has been put on and I'd lost myself.  Sure, when I came to God there was soooo much He needed to purge out of me...what with all the sex, drugs and rock and roll but there was tons of stuff I now realise that He wanted me to keep, to enjoy, to radiate...but somewhere along the line in the pursuit of dying to self and being humble, I had let the sparkle in me die too. I had let the fiery way in which God made me...the sassy, bold, brash, in your face, wild, love the limelight, dancing, glowing gal become a gentle wall flower...and newsflash that's JUST NOT ME!! Haha!

Don't get me wrong - I love love looooove the grace, the love, compassion and I do believe quiet strength I walk in. I desperately needed to be tamed by God's presence and I'm so grateful for all the foul living and messed up thinking that was removed from my life...but I have come to understand that some of the stuff I was led to believe needed to be purged and pruned out of me because it was apparently part of the old me is actually very much part of the divine way in which I was fashioned. It's very much part of the way God will use me and although it may at times be too much for the church, it's by no means too much for God.  And so in the midst of all this inner stuff God was working on He began to reveal to me through our time together and through beautiful brothers and sisters in Christ that fear of man HAD TO GO. This was the time to fully embrace who I was in God...to unapologetically radiate His wild side and to not hold back.

To dance, to sing, to scream, to shout...to shine His light without caring what people think...I was told a very powerful statement - "God is not intimidated by you being amazing". Like oh my gosh how liberating!!!  You see for the longest time I was crippled by fear of disappointing God. Of making it about myself instead of Him. Of shining brightly my own radiance and trying to steal the glory away from God. I fled from the limelight. I kept silent. I tried my utmost to die to my desires - even my God given ones - in order to flee from selfish ambition and to be yielded. And don't get me wrong I did all those things from a pure heart...a heart that desperately wanted to prove faithful before God...a heart that wanted to have Christ seated in the centre of it. Yet in my desperation to 'humble' myself before God and man...I think I totally lost myself.

For fear of getting it wrong, I simply conformed to what people around me said I should do or say or be. But it's not anyone else's fault. I am surrounded by the most amazing, loving people anyone could ever desire. I am soooo blessed by the relationships I have. But I cannot be defined by them. I have to be me...and I now realise that I have to be true to who that is in Christ. Even if it's not conventional or expected or if it doesn't follow the norm. And the exciting thing is that all the gorgeous people around me totally want that for me - they fully want me to be me in God - but because I didn't know what that was I guess, I conformed a lot along the way...which is my error not anyone else's.  And so as God began to awaken this stuff in me I knew it was time for the lid to come off. It was time for me to fully embrace the way God had made me and to not be apologetic about it.

It was time for me to be completely comfortable with letting Gods light shine through me. It was time for the fear to go - fear of stealing Gods glory - fear of failing - fear of man - fear of rejection. It was time to not be shy about being amazing in God.  And to let others do the same. And somehow I now find myself on the other side of this undoing. I find myself unbridled.  I can now look back and see how God's beautiful Spirit moved in my life over the last few years to help me see as He sees...sometimes it moved incredibly violently...sometimes a little more gently...in order to renew my mind and take me to a higher place as an image bearer of God.  And today I stand here a little bolder...a little freer...a little more dazzling.  

And it's changed not just how I see myself but how I see others. I want to call out the radiance in them. I find myself hungry to raise people up. I want those in my care to step out and be incredible in God. I want them to be bold...to have faith in God's ability to preserve them from falling, as they simply go wild for Him. I want my ceiling to be their floor. I don't want there to be a lid on any of them. I don't want them to have to ever hold back on being who they have been called to be, just to conform to what may be expected of them. Because as I have recently discovered... "God is not intimidated by any of us being amazing".  On the contrary, our beautiful, ever radiant Father of lights, delights in it.

x

Naturally Super

God often does this very cool thing in my life that never ceases to floor me.  I am certain I'm not alone in experiencing this though!! I simply love how He will suddenly use a natural principle to open a door to the supernatural. You'd totally think that would be standard, given that we have a body, soul and spirit working hand in hand? You'd think that spiritual principles bringing natural solutions and natural principles unlocking spiritual solutions would be common pathways we walk in, right?  But we don't because I reckon this perfect synchrony can get pretty fragmented here on earth where we just don't realise how beautifully it all can work together by God's perfect design, in order for us to live a truly abundant life. So when I do see the way God will bounce spiritual and natural principles off one another in my life to help me overcome my struggles and battles I'm always calmly delighted.

Soooo with this particular testimony God smashed it - using my diet, exercise and sleep patterns to help me pray more! How cool is that? I was definitely struggling with my lifestyle. I work from home so lots of discipline is required in order for me not to get distracted at home and to stay on top of managing my time. I wasn't praying as passionately and as militantly as I wanted to. I had started watching some TV before I slept again and so when I'd wake up in the morning I was lethargic. I wasn't eating as well as I'd like to and I certainly wasn't sleeping as long as I needed to.

BUT none of that would have changed really because you can't keep doing the same thing and expecting different results.  Obviously from a spiritual perspective I knew I needed to step it up...Spiritually I knew I needed to renew my mind big time...I needed to pray more...spend more time in the word...give more attention and energy to the God ignited dreams within me...etc etc etc.  Something had to give. My mind HAD to change in order for the patterns in my life to change.  And I'd already experienced untold occasions in my life where my mind would get so radically renewed in a split second - where I'd get a heavenly conviction and everything shifted bringing a powerful change in my life. So I guess this happening certainly wouldn't have been uncommon for me.  But that's not at all what happened on this occasion...What actually ended up happening was several unexpected shifts taking place in my body which triggered doors to open in my mind and then in my spirit and I was like...HELLO VICTORY!

Soooo basically, my friend had blessed me with a few sessions with a personal trainer for my birthday after a recent conversation we'd had about stewarding our bodies well, even when we may not sense an immediate need for physical exercise or sports. I really wanted to preserve the good health I enjoy in order to be healthy and fit in later years so we figured doing a work out at home would be a great thing to start doing. So I had a fab few sessions with a personal trainer...even ended up praying with her after my final session which I unfortunately think scared the daylights out of her...awkwaaaard...but perhaps more about that in another blog!! Anyhoo so she sets me up with a nice little personal plan to start doing a work out on my jack jones at home...perfecto.

At the same time I'm prepping for a trip to California so I start a 21 day fast...no meat, no TV, no alcohol and no sugar. So here I am - suddenly not watching any TV, instead I'm reading lots...sleeping earlier so awakening earlier, I'm not eating any meat or drinking the odd glass of wine...I'm feeling so fresh and full of energy. I'm drinking lots of water and as I'm doing my work outs I'm getting energised and finding myself full of fuel to pray with gusto...I'm praying for hours after having my fabulous morning work out...going for gold...I'm hearing from God in a fresh way...and before I know it my whole lifestyle has changed...hey presto...my mind has been renewed. Wowsers right? What I couldn't do spiritually I was able to do naturally, empowering the spiritual breakthrough to kick in. Glorious or what?!

I sat in a home group around that time just sharing about the innate fabulosity of God pertaining to this particular experience and one of my beautiful spiritual daughters shared about her own battle with God prompting her to wake up and pray in the early hours of the morning. She was frustrated with herself for ignoring the prompts of the Holy Spirit and mad at her flesh preventing her from being able to respond to His invitation. She determined that one of these days she would respond! I asked her the question..."What if you don't?".  The little treasure looked shocked. "Of course I will" she said. I'm sure in her mind she was thinking "oh me gosh...how can you be a spiritual mum and have so little faith in me...you doughnut?" I elaborated a little. "Imagine, let's be very realistic and practical...seriously on a level imagine lovey ducks, if you never ever end up actually responding to His call to wake up early and pray...what then?"

I wasn't trying to be doubtful or discouraging...I was trying to be realistic. Practical I guess.  Like honestly if life just carries on as usual with nothing ever changing how can we ever be confident that suddenly we'll one day wake up and simply obey. That's simply too much onus on our fragile and self seeking flesh.  And truthfully speaking putting all your eggs in that one basket - of one day in the midst of the same life patterns...same habits and strongholds...suddenly changing on the inside and being able to sustain the change in the face of the same opposing battles...simply is not realistic.  You see so often we can try and solve our practical battles with spiritual solutions...and I'm certainly not discounting spiritual strategies at all...its spiritual principles and statutes of God that are the backbone of all that we do...the way we view every single thing.  All things spiritual, emotional, physical, practical must be prayed into...must be approached through the lens of the Spirit...but imagine if for some of our challenges, God was in fact giving us very practical strategies to help solve what seem to be spiritual battles.

So for example prayerlessness, though a spiritual problem and at times a heart or mind issue - would also have practical reasons for occurring...such as fatigue...distractions...weariness...lack of sleep...worry...lack of time etc, so rather than determine in your heart that you will pray more, and then set about (in the midst of all the very present practical hindrances) to simply pray more...I believe would be pretty impossible. Surely, it would be more effective to be realistic about the physical hindrances getting in the way and prayerfully look to change those - so maybe get more sleep...wake up more refreshed...introduce more energy to your life maybe through exercise...cut off from worrying or distracting relationships or activities...watch less TV and replace it with some great books...change your eating habits so you are less tired or impacted by chemicals. As a result of these practical changes you could find yourself more energised to pray...or more motivated about setting time aside to worship. You could find yourself less distracted so more focused on your spiritual life. You could find your mind less cluttered so you hear from God clearer. All these practical changes could lead to a breakthrough in your spiritual life.

Sometimes I'm sure we can all agree that it's definitely the other way round. Sometimes the switch can go on in your spirit and suddenly an instant mind renewal will cause us to literally flip an 180 degree turn about a particular issue and radically things can change...we can get so empowered by that divine conviction to make changes in our lives in a very practical way. An example of this happened to me when it came to sexual purity. As God did a mental radical work in my heart about walking in purity...literally immediately I began to disconnect from relationships that would cause me to stumble in this area...I got rid of music...clothes...phone numbers...photographs...the whole shebang. My heart conviction feulled me to make some very practical changes to align with an inmost decision I had made in my spirit man. Another time I remember reading a book about The Makers Diet...talking about following a biblical diet of clean foods. Literally within minutes of starting to read the book I was hit by a Holy Ghost conviction about not eating pork, shellfish or other unclean foods. Instantly I began to live that out in a very practical way without needing much motivation because it was a complete renewal of mind.

Yet at other times, divinely revealed practical solutions are what God uses to bring deliverance or breakthrough in our lives over spiritual strongholds. In fact I remember a time when I'd spent a good three months struggling with passivity, weariness, demotivation, lethargy and a whole heap of other crap. I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to lie in bed, run away from all the deadlines and demands and curl up and flesh out watching rubbish TV. I had got to a stage where I felt soooo condemned...I didn't know how to break out of it...getting into God's presence seemed as impossible as dancing on the moon. I was bereft. The heaviness upon my heart was unbearable. My house was a total mess and I was months behind on designing my new collection. Torn between crawling back into bed for another night of condemnation watching trash TV or actually getting up and trying to do something productive, I mustered enough energy to walk over to the kitchen sink. I began to wash the dishes and instantaneously I felt chains break. The heaviness lifted. The depression disappeared. The condemnation fled and the guilt disappeared.

Suddenly the light exploded in my heart and I knew I had been delivered. It didn't involve a massive heartfelt prayer...or singing in desperate worship or performing another spiritual act (please don't get me wrong there have been thousands of occasions when prayer...worship...the word etc has been the beautiful door into Gods presence and bought me the breakthrough I desperately needed...and I believe it's actually these spiritual principles of intimacy that are foundational to any sort of seemingly natural breakthrough occurring in our lives...helping us to recognise a breakthrough has even come whatever form it comes in). On this particular occasion, it simply involved a practical act of washing the dishes.

But it's not the act itself I believe that brings the breakthrough but the posture it represents. Sometimes I believe God just requires us to do something, ANYTHING before He can do everything. God will use the most natural, simplist move on our part to demonstrate before the realm of the spirit that He now has license to royally intervene on our behalf.  In the midst of our ignorance, our failures, our shortcomings and our entering into enemy territory with our misspent actions I believe He often literally just needs us to take one step in the right direction whether spiritual or in the natural before He can explode with His rescue.  That's why seemingly practical breakthroughs are so exciting - I believe they demonstrate God's sovereignty in such a creative, awe inspiring, exciting way. 

It encourages me no end to expect the unexpected - to know that God could show up any how, any way and bring solution to the battles and obstacles I face in my life, makes life even more exciting and empowering. It gives me a fresh appreciation for our fearful and wonderful creative make up...that indeed the body...soul and spirit work hand in hand and God will use all three facets of our self to enhance our lives and bring the SUPERnatural...to lead us to triumph, abundance and gobsmacking radical victory in our lives...and to show Himself not only strong, loving and merciful...but completed invested in every area of who we are...Body...Soul...and Spirit.

x 

To Truly Be Known...

Innate hunger for intimacy rages within

It can’t be satisfied through mere skin to skin

Two can never become one, simply flesh upon flesh

True intimacy comes, when deep calls to deep

I spent many years giving my body away.  Upon reflection, I wonder how I was able to do it so readily...so frivolously…so nonchalantly.  I suppose, I figured it was the norm… that’s what they did in the films and music videos right? All the cool chicks were doing it…it was a rite of passage… a firm must for a good time girl like me.  I suppose it made me feel desired…I was also young and reckless…I was looking for love…and most often than not, I was high as a kite. Yet the encounters would never last. Even my long term relationships, would inevitably become meaningless. So on I would move to the next dude, continuing my insatiable pursuit to know someone intimately and to be fully known in return.

As I journeyed through this insatiable quest for real intimacy, I fleeted between two conflicting mind-sets regarding sex – one, that it was the most intimate and fulfilling way in which one could know another person – so deep… so connected…so meaningful…that surely nothing else could satisfy.  And then, in complete contrast I thought you could quite easily have a fling with someone and it mean absolutely nothing…that you could easily walk away from an encounter with a guy and never ever give the exchange a second thought.  

On both accounts, I was deeply deceived.  For I have now come to understand that, firstly sex isn’t the deepest way to know another.  For, to truly be one with another it must fully encompass your spirit, soul and body...not just your physical man.  It must be a connection far deeper than mere flesh…it must envelope your entire being…the deepest core of you and it must be a mutual exchange embedded in love…so honouring…so precious…so permanent…so very pure; one that simply cannot be found outside the confines of marriage.  Therefore secondly - sex simply cannot be something casual, temporary or meaningless, because with or without consent sex is a mutual exchange of body, soul and spirit, and therefore can never be taken lightly.  To engage in it outside of God’s perfect arrangement is a complete violation of yourself, of another  person and of God’s beautiful gift of sex to mankind.  Yet to have sex God’s way…maaan, its beautiful beyond belief, pleasurable beyond words and intimate to the very core.  You see, because true intimacy according to God, is not skin upon skin…flesh upon flesh…it’s deep calling deep.

And that’s what God desires for His kids.  Authentic, pure, intimacy within the confines of marriage.  Enjoyable, liberating, committed sex without fear, shame, confusion and loneliness .  The Bible clearly tells us that “there’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, “The two become one.” Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never “become one” (1 Corinthians 6:15-17 MSG).  No wonder so many find themselves joining with many, yet connected to none…laying with several, yet lonelier than ever.   Because only in a loving, pure marriage is that type of loneliness truly eradicated and real lifelong, spirit deep intimacy cultivated. 

But you know God doesn’t want to just limit us to intimacy within marriage.  He wants us to first and foremost experience this with Him.  He wants us to truly “KNOW” Him like Adam knew Eve (“And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain” Genesis 1).  The foundation of the term “Knowing” is deeply relational.  So when it comes to knowing each other within marriage it obviously means to have sex…but all “knowing” stems from this and although it may not always refer to sex, it still refers to deep heart involving, relational intimacy.  This term is further used in the Bible when referring to the act of prayer…communicating with God...through prayer, intimately becoming one with God, and birthing the things of God.  Now that might freak you out…which is fine.  But it is what it is…He absolutely wants us to live in that place of tender deep calling deep unhindered communion with Him…as the beautiful irresistible Lover of our soul. 

Jesus invites us to “know” Him…for all of our days…for us to know eternity through deep relational closeness to Him. (And this is life eternal, that they might know the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent. John 17:3).  This type of intimacy is the deepest, most fulfilling, all-encompassing sense of belonging…of being known…being loved and accepted, that we can ever experience.  It touches the very core of us…it meets our deepest need in our inmost being and every other union pales in comparison to it.  But for me what total smashes it…what totally blows my mind…what will forever leave me amazed...is that this crazy, indescribable, incomparable sense of being completely and total at one with another, is with someone I cannot see…cannot touch…cannot lay with…yet I know with every fibre of my being that I have been consumed by Him and have become one with Him.  And each time I experience the tangible sense of oneness with Him I am floored…complete ravished…overtaken.  It’s simply takes my breath away.

That’s what moves me the most.  That, I spent years abusing my body in my pursuit of intimacy…I used my sexuality time and time again…gave every part of me so easily and carelessly I guess, ultimately in order to feel close to someone on the inside.  Only to find that it was when I finally determined to preserve my purity, treasure my body, guard my heart…and set my self apart...that I experienced the deepest, most intimate, closest form of intimacy I have ever known.  And ironically, there was absolutely NOTHING physical about it…everything about this core level intimacy is deeply relational, affirming and whole.  And how very crazy…that it ends up being, not with a guy…but with the Author of love…with God Himself.  Wow. 

This song "The Knowing" is written and sung by my beautiful friend Lucy Grimble with the lovely Larna Martin dancing.

Running on Reserves

I'm really bad when it comes to refilling my petrol tank on time…I see that orange light flashing, informing me that I need to refuel - and most often than not, although it completely registers in my mind…I still find myself waiting another 15 miles or so before I actually fill up my petrol tank again.  Now if I was doing this occasionally then haaaay it's not really a big deal - I'm sure my motor could cope with my negligence and wouldn't really be affected…but you see I'm doing this on the regs, despite knowing full well that the reserve fuel is there to keep the low pressure pump cool and prevent it from overheating…yet nevertheless I'm ignoring the warning signs and seeing how long I can wing it before I REALLY REALLY need to refuel.  So basically, because of my laziness and negligence I'm totally mashing up my fuel pump in the long run - which ultimately will end up costing me dearly, unless I sort it out and start refueling on time!  Hmmm…note to self…fix up missy…smiles.

We sometimes do the very same with the presence of God.

Image from: http://wallpaperswa.com

We get internal warnings that we're running on empty…whether it's because things have got really busy, or because we're distracted or anxious…maybe because we're tired and demotivated…or simply because we're just being plain old lazy about spending quality time drinking from the well of God's presence…whatever the reason may be, the fact is that we're operating on an empty tank…we're not tanked up with the joy and peace and hope and creativity that can only truly be birthed in God's presence…and so we're running on reserves and often times seeing how long we can wing it…some run on reserves for a day…some do it for a week or a month and some even do it as a lifestyle…

Soooo…instead of practicing the habit of being refueled in God regularly so that we can truly operate at our best…we sometimes allow ourselves to settle for the reserves, rather than the irreplaceable refreshing that can only be found in the fullness of God's presence…somehow convincing ourselves that running on reserves will be sufficient…thinking a weekly worship service or corporate prayer here and there…will keep us afloat…but just like with my motor…even though I might think I've gotten away with it because I managed to get petrol, in the nick of time, before the car broke down - I still don't actually have any idea of what's happening behind the scenes deep inside the core of my car and I probably won't find out til later the actual damage that my lack of discipline and negligence has caused…and so it sometimes is with us…we choose to learn the hard way…sometimes it takes a break down…a disaster…an internal explosion or some sort of soul revealing encounter to show us how desperately dry we have become.

Because you see, running on reserves may for a time seem sufficient…but sufficiency isn't abundance…and we are called to lives of abundancy (John 10:10)…and in no other area is abundance more significant than in regards to the Presence…for out of the presence flows EVERY SINGLE THING pertaining to LIFE (Ezekiel 47).

So let's not compromise…let's not settle for less…let's not drink with a straw from the dregs of the barrel when we have the entire ocean at our disposal…

…Let’s determine in our hearts to take a trip down to the river each day.

Sensing the Season...

I made a conscious decision to not concentrate on anything other than a few key things in my life over the last month and one of those key things was to SLEEP!!  I have spent tooo long not comprehending the true value of sleep and deceived myself into thinking that I was some sort of Xena Warrior Princess and that I could concentrate on all the projects I'm involved in whilst holding down a full time job…adequately spin all the plates without dropping a single one…and do all this without getting barely any sleep...DOH...I'm beginning to now realise that sleep deprivation is totally for losers!!  And now that I have finally had that revelation, I feel total peace at putting everything down...

Sometimes we foolishly think we really do have to do everything that comes our way but actually there's totally a season for picking stuff up and putting stuff down...I had that revelation a few days ago as I driving down the A406 – pretty much on autopilot as I made my way to work as a teacher…that basically I didn't need to be worrying about a getting a thousand things in order to make destiny happen...on the contrary, the voice in my heart told me that I needed to put all the things that I was killing myself trying to achieve in the midst of holding down a full time job...on the backburner...and just REST my mind!!!

And then it kinda dawned on me that I had become like a silly little hamster going round and round a wheel trying to get my creative flow on with my tired and busted self whilst I had a thousand things going on and I was not GETTING ANYWHERE!  As I shared my anxieties with God, sat behind the wheel praying, I felt a gentle release as I got the revelation that sounded something along the lines of..."RELAX silly billy...BREATHE and sense the season"...And then suddenly the eyes of my heart saw the bigger picture… I was trying to do so much when in fact this season for me was about KEEPING THINGS SIMPLE!  Right there and then I resolved to stop sweating the small stuff, to just relax and keep my eyes on the goal.

Following that little revelation the struggle completely left me and I dived into “REST YOUR MIND” mode.  The funny thing is that since then, I have found myself looking forward to a half term week off from work and finally feeling rested enough to get my creative groove on...excited to find myself producing the next collection for the Living in Light label...excited about maybe writing some more of my manuscript...painting, dancing...reading ...woohoo...Yet I have woken up on the first day of half term and my dear heart, without even once consulting my mind has cheekily decided that it wants all the creative stuff to WAIT...because all my heart wants to do for the entire week is jam with Jesus!!

Image from: http://jobspapa.com

So that's exactly what we are doing…me and my heart...we are jamming with Jesus…I realised this morning that this is in fact all that I need to do!...God had given me so many divine concepts that they are almost bursting out of my seams...I feel I have so so so much to do... such little time...so much to plan...so much to execute...YET the only way I'll ever get to know how to do it...when to do it and why to do it, is by spending treasured time with HIM!!!  Note to self: All things must first be birthed in INTIMACY!!

People say they have so much to do that they can't afford to spend time with God...but the truth peeps is that it's because we have so much to do that WE CAN'T AFFORD NOT TO SPEND TIME WITH HIM!!

But get this…the craziest thing is this...as you turn your heart completely towards HIM you find yourself creatively stirred up anyway, by being in His innately creative presence...unbelievably you will often times achieve far more substance from the creative flow that is conceived by default, in alone time in God's intimate presence - than weeks, even months of  soulish striving could ever attain.

Wow…how mental…How simple…yet HOW DELICIOUSLY DIVINE!!