I ask my SOUL...
Why are you downcast?
God LIVES in you...
God is within you...
I encourage my SOUL...
You shouldn't be downcast...
God LIVES in you...
God is within YOU!
I SPEAK to my soul...
DON'T be downcast!
God LIVES in you.
God is WITHIN you!
I TELL my soul...
YOU WON'T be downcast!
GOD LIVES in YOU!
GOD is WITHIN YOU!
Today is Christmas Day. The sweetest thing happened with God. Oh wow. I tasted a little of what the prodigal son experienced in Luke 15, when he came back home after squandering his inheritance and hanging with the pigs...and was met so beautifully by his merciful Father. Obviously I haven't been backsliding or squandering my stuff...but I had definitely drifted away from the beautiful presence of God over the last week. I'd been feeling so burnt out...ended up being quite lazy...sleeping too much...catching a cold....needing rest but knowing I needed to meet my book writing deadline...so to try and catch up on writing I hadn't been spending time in the secret place with Jesus. I would just pray in the morning and then crack on with writing. At night, before sleep I'd be watching TV to zone out. My mind felt a little disengaged from God. I missed Him so much. When I opened my eyes this morning and remembered it was Christmas Day my heart sunk a little because I was like..."Dad I've been away all week in my heart and I'm scared that I won't be "present" with you in my heart the way you deserve today...on this super special day to celebrate your Son, it sucks that I just don't feel spiritual...I feel numb...and I don't know even know how to seek your face because my heart feels cold...and kind of zoned out...etc etc etc.
I got out of bed, brushed my teeth and then standing in the kitchen I started to pray. I began to apologise and to explain to Jesus that I knew I hadn't really given Him my time this week, the way that He deserves, even when I could have. I wanted to be honest and confess to Him my shortcomings. I wanted to share with Him my desperation to see His face. That I missed Him. As I began to pray I wondered if I would be able to press in and meet with Him. Would I be able to get beyond the outer court into the Holy of Holies? Was there a chance that I would have the delight of even glimpsing His beautiful face. Yet before I could even get beyond the first couple of sentences suddenly He came. He floored me instantly with His love. I began to weep. I felt His embrace all around me. I began to laugh out loud with fresh delight at His scandalous mercy. I cried and laughed at the same time, repeatedly telling Him how crazy His love was. I suddenly felt the way I am convinced the prodigal son must have felt. Before his son could even vocalise the apology he must have been rehearsing his entire journey home, the father was already telling his servant to fetch his robe...get the signet ring...prepare the feast because my son has come home.
Thats exactly how I felt. We had a feast right there. It was so glorious. Please don't get me wrong, I am not unfamiliar with Gods mercy and scandalous grace and I have been a recipient of it millions of times. I can't even tell you of how many occasions just like today when I have wondered just how I will see Gods face after where I've just been...or what I've just said...or thought...or done, and instantly He has taken me into the most holy place of His presence. I never can take that access for granted and every single time He opens His heart up to me in that way I am undone. Yet what I love so much about today was that this morning - Christmas Day - was totally meant to be all about about glorifying Him and lavishing Him with my affection and devotion in a fresh way to say thank you for Who He is and what He did. Yet rather than prep my heart for it over the last week I'd been so disengaged. Rather than pray before I went to sleep last night I'd watched TV to switch off. Heaven had every right to be a little aloof given I'd been a little distant over the last week. Heaven would have been totally qualified to make it a little bit difficult to press in considering how unspiritual I was feeling on such a special occasion, where in fact it should have been about sincerely appreciating that Jesus was the greatest gift ever.
Yet He floored me with His scandalous love and once again, rather than the shoulda, woulda, coulda's, He simply made it about His incredible goodness. Like totally. Not only did He totally mash me up afresh with His love, His mercy and Father's embrace but He flooded me with holy laughter...something I have been asking for and praying for. I was literally overcome with holy giggles as I stood there in my kitchen in fits of laughter at the crazy, unfathomable love of our Father. It went on for ages. It felt so delicious. I can't believe that only minutes earlier I had been wondering if I would even have the opportunity to glimpse His glory today...HAAAA...only to encounter the sweetest communion ever. Literally got swept off my sweep...had a robe placed around me...signet ring straight in my finger...partay partay partay before I could even say "Papa I'm sorry!!" Oh my gosh, I simply cannot get over what a beautiful, perfect, Father in heaven we have. I am SO SO SO in awe of His Son, His Spirit and His scandalous love.
Time and time again I have been knocked out by just how lavish our God is with His presence. He is not like man. When someone is aloof, distracted or disengaged from us, as humans we have the tendency to withhold our affection...guard our hearts, protect our space just in case we get rejected again right? Not God. No matter how unfaithful we are, He never ever withholds His presence or His love from us. Instead, even when we are unfaithful...He is always there just like the Father in the parable...waiting to meet our gaze the moment we choose to look in the direction of His beauty once again...He runs towards us...arms wide open...rings and robes at the ready...having already prepared a feast in the presence of our enemies...ready to celebrate our prodigal hearts, however far...however close...returning home to Abba Father. Aaaah love. Sweet love.
Merry Christmas Jesus....Son of God...Darling of heaven. You my sweet love, are the greatest gift of all. x
We were super stoked to have Kyra Vidal adorn bespoke Living in Light for her performance with Sigala on ITV 2's Xtra Factor's finals weekend show!! Looking vibrant and super slick, Kyra wore our signature Ankara Bianca Pants with a matching bralet. Her dancers rocked coordinating shorts! We love this beauty! We are honoured that she would choose Living in Light for her first ever TV performance and we pray for massive opportunities and unprecedented breakthroughs for the talented, beautiful and tender hearted Kyra Vidal!
X
So. Still finding myself going around the old provision mountain. Still learning. Still growing. Still being über stretched. No time for a breather on the mountain of provision, that's for sure! It seems as if no sooner have I learned one lesson that God has another lesson for me to grasp. Soooo, if you have read my Mountain Miracles blog, you will be aware that I have decided that I am not going to worry whatsoever when it comes to finances. I am standing my ground. Since this fresh resolve in my soul, I have continued to stand my ground even when the end of the month has come and gone and the money for my rent has eluded moi. I have continued to stand my ground when Christmas has been ten days away and I have has didley squat to buy any Christmas presents. I have stood my ground when festive celebrations have been totally out of my reach for lack of funds. I have stood my ground, refusing to believe that God will let me down because I have come to know deep in my soul that He is faithful to His word and His word is altogether trustworthy.
I have been encouraged therefore, when I have been miraculously blessed with funds and had a sale here so I can pay my bills. I have rejoiced when I have lovingly made some of my presents instead. I have been overjoyed when suddenly a completely random tax refund has shown up in my account nine days before Christmas and paid for the rest of my presents and my rent. I have been filled with faith as I have heard God whisper into my soul..."keep spending...as you get it, keep giving it away...don't hoard it...don't put it aside for the bills which are due later in the month...trust me...faith is now...spend now...don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worries of it's own."
Eeeek. New dimensions of faith required. See though normally of course I'm prettyaccustomed to trusting God to provide for me last minute.com...yet I feel most peace when He brings me enough money ahead of time and I can see that yes I have enough to cover me for the whole of the month...great stuff...yet He is teaching me a new lesson...a very VERY uncomfortable lesson...where instead of getting enough for the month I have to find peace in knowing that I simply have enough for today. I am to spend lavishly with what He gives me for today...like the children of Israel who had manna rained down from heaven. They were not allowed to store it...hide it or hoard it. They had to trust God for fresh Manna for the next day and the next. That's where I'm at right now. Saving for a rainy day or rent isn't an option.
So, though it seems I only have enough for today, I am nevertheless spending it...I am giving it away...I am letting it go...refusing to waiver in trusting Him afresh each day...learning a whole new level of what "NOW" faith looks like. Learning next level confidence...that as I trust God to supply all my needs today...I know that I know that I know that I know....that He will bring what I need for tomorrow...tomorrow.
x
I have found that often, when I have pushed past my flesh and pressed into God's presence choosing to ignore the resistance and war in my soul, I end up experiencing thee most delicious communion with God. I go deeper than I have before and embark on a richer journey of knowing God. I have found that usually on the other side of the wrestle to pursue God is invaluable treasure of the most precious kind that could otherwise elude me. It is secret place treasure reserved for the hidden side of communion. It cannot be discovered outside of the secret place. It cannot be taught in a sermon...or read in a book...it must be caught in the presence and I find that it often becomes ours, only when we linger.
Therefore I find myself more committed to lingering than I have ever before...because I am aware that on the other side of any encounter...or of any prayer...or of any day journaling with Jesus could lie an incredible treasure worth more than diamonds and pearls...platforms and praises...power and passion...I could literally be one word...one miracle...one petition away from the deepest connection I have ever known with God...from the greatest breakthrough of my life...if only I press in...past my flesh...past my comfort zone...past my own self...until I get to the other side.
A particular prayer I prayed a while ago was like this and to my delight, on the other side of it was a glimpse into God's heart like never before. It was a morning not too long ago. I remember waking up and feeling lethargic and weary. Not really feeling like praying. Considering bypassing my prayer time yet I forced myself to press in. I began to speak to God. Began lifting up prayer needs. Determined to be authentic. I opened my daily booklet to pray for the persecuted church and began to read the entry for the day. It was a prayer request for the family of a young Christian, Pakistani girl who had been hired to serve at a local function in a Muslim home. She had gone missing. Her father had visited the house where she had been working and when the family who had hired her claimed to know nothing of her he had reported his daughter missing. Soon after he reported her missing the Muslim family contacted him and told him to meet them in person and they would let him know where his daughter was.
When he went to meet them, he was shot dead. I was took by complete shock. It was like I'd been punched in the heart. Overcome by heaven's sorrow, instantly I broke down. Despite the tears I kept reading. The prayer in the booklet I was reading from, was for the precious missing girl's family. For their comfort. The girl's mother had asked people to pray that if her daughter was still alive she would not weaken in her love for Christ. Words cannot articulate how deeply I felt the Father's lament as I stood in front of my prayer board reading the end of this prayer request. The injustice. The pain. The compassion. The faith of an earthly mother mourning for her husband yet strengthening the spirit of her missing daughter to not leave her Saviour love. The heart of the Heavenly Father breaking so tenderly yet so violently. I cannot tell you how deeply I wept as I carried the beautiful burden of the Father's grief. It was so so so deep. His heart was so filled with mercy for the persecuted. The pain was immense. Deep deep pain. Yet surrounding this immense pain was God's sovereignty. He wept for His creation. He fought for His offspring. Yet He was seated on the throne. He was sovereign. He was and IS love.
As His fiery love enveloped me that morning I prayed deeply for the situation in Pakistan. Though it hurt so badly deep in the pit of my stomach I was flooded by God's overwhelming love for mankind. His patience with creation. His choice to redeem a broken people. To hurt with the hurting. To weep with the weeping. I entered into a deeper place of His compassion that morning. To think I almost wasn't going to pray. To think that if I had given into my flesh as I have a thousand other times I would not have had such a beautiful encounter with God's mercy. I considered afresh the countless opportunities for secret place encounter I had missed which were only one prayer away. I have had encounters upon encounters in the secret place which have blown my mind...yet I find that there is a supernatural grace and mercy upon the ones that almost never happened. These are the ones which are most sobering for me. It's the glorious encounters that I nearly miss which most remind me that there is extraordinary treasure of the richest kind to be found in the secret place...which is worthy of my pursuit...worthy of my sacrifice...which can only be discovered past the comfort of my flesh...on the other side.
I'm quite embarrassed to say, but on my way to Marbella I almost missed my flight. Yep. Craziness galore. See, I stupidly decided to get a coach to Gatwick rather than a train thinking I could chillax and totally catch up on all my admin on route to the airport. I'd done this coach to Gatwick before and it'd been a doddle and so I wasn't expecting any different. It would be totally fine!!! But alas I hadn't taken into consideration that my flight to Marbella was on a Friday afternoon, that it was raining cats and dogs...traffic was mayhem and my coach would end up leaving 45 minutes behind schedule!
At the beginning though, I wasn't even concerned. Bianca was gonna meet me at Gatwick and although I was gonna be an hour late I'd still be cool right??? It just meant we couldn't jam at the airport together, but we'd still get our flight and then all the joy and excitement of this amazing birthday treat of a holiday in sunny Marbella could begin!! YES!!! Come 2.45pm though, anxiety began to kick in. I was definitely going to be more than an hour late. I prayed that we'd soon get on the M23 and I'd still be okay to go through boarding at 3.30. I assured Bianca I'd see her soon.
I started praying in tongues. Very quickly I began to feel Gods presence. The clock approached 3pm. I was more than twelve miles away from Gatwick and stuck in traffic. Boarding for our flight would begin in thirty minutes...and close in fifty. I spoke to Bianca again. She shared with me that security was a super loooooong process because of course everything was hand luggage only, liquids needed to be put in one clear bag...anything over 100ml had to go. Suddenly visions of my suitcase being literally filled with toiletries a tad bigger than 100ml, began to fill my mind. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. How could I have forgotten that hand luggage only flights, meant a liquid limitation. Oh nooooo!! Epic Bobbi booboo! Eek!!! How would I now get all of them into a plastic bag the size of a freezer bag?? How much stuff would I need to throw away? What would I do without my toiletries in Marbella? How would I get any of my toiletries sorted before I entered security for this flight. Was I even going to make this flight? Still praying in the spirit, I started sorting through my make up case and separating my liquids.
Holy Gamoly. I looked at the clock. Approaching 3.15pm. I continued praying in tongues. It was actually pretty impossible in the natural. I needed a miracle that's for sure. Yet I couldn't afford to think that I was going to miss my flight. I focused on Jesus. On the goodness of the Father. I magnified His kindness. His love. His power. His capabilities. The coach suddenly began to move. The traffic cleared and the coach instantly picked up speed. I thanked God, feeling properly encouraged. I kept looking at the clock yet refused to focus on the natural. I'd been listening to sermons all week about magnifying God. What I give my attention to I magnify (thanks Pastor Steve Furtick!!). I praised God for the deposit of fresh faith that had been made in my soul ahead of this battle. God in His infinite wisdom knew I would require fresh ammunition to fight with, for this slight glitch in the matrix, because as I sat there in that coach everything in my flesh wanted to cry out "this is surely impossible!!" In fact at one point I did say that. Yet the Word that I had been feeding myself with that week was welling up within me. It rose up and exploded out of my soul. I rejected every voice that tried to instil fear in me. I resolved that I would not give attention to my seemingly impossible circumstances. Instead I would continue to totally magnify God. I would give Him all my attention. I would focus on His ability to get me to the airport with His supernatural intervention.
Still I found myself momentarily considering the ridiculousness of me missing this flight. I mean this was a birthday present for my 40th! My church fam was sending me on this holiday. Bianca my bestie was coming with me. SOOOOO much had been invested into this trip. There's simply no way God was going lavish me with such amazing love only for me to get this far and then me totally miss the blessing. He simply would not allow that, right???!! He was a good father. A good good GOOD Father. Simply too much had been poured into and sacrificed for this trip. There's no way our beautiful God would want this to be stolen after all that had been given into this. As I prayed in the spirit I could feel the Holy Spirit so strong. He was praying through me. I knew God was right here interceding for me. I prayed harder.
Definitely didn't care what I looked like doing my Shaba on the coach. On the contrary a Holy Ghost swag enveloped me. You're MOST welcome I thought to myself, as I looked around at the passengers on the coach, oblivious that God was fighting for them!! See I knew the truth of what was taking place. The people on the coach obviously had no idea of the power and breakthrough that speaking in tongues was releasing over the situation. Without God, all they could do was worry and make provision for the worst. Yet if it wasn't for God intervening all of us would miss the flight. I continued praying like crazy. I reminded God that I was believing Him for the sick to be healed and the dead to rise. Surely catching a flight was a minor miracle right Father???
As it hit 3.30pm and we were miraculously approaching Gatwick...knowing I had less than twenty minutes until boarding for my flight closed I could do nothing but pray like crazy whilst frantically running through to security like a nutter. I literally threw my suitcase on the floor, quickly unzipping it and I began pulling out all my toiletries. Bottles were flying all over the gaff as I tried to determine what to keep and what to get rid of. Fifteen minutes now left til the boarding closed. After far too long flaffing around like a moron I decided to just bin every single one of the toiletries that were remotely suspect and then I literally catapulted through to security. Flinging all my possessions onto the steel tables connected to the conveyor belts I tried to stay calm. I was actually shaking I think. Help meeeeee Jesus. Nine minutes til my gate closes. I endeavoured to call Bianca whilst filling the grey plastic trays with my pathetic remnant of toiletries, throwing my jacket off, pulling my electronics out and trying not to panic. But then a security officer reprimanded me for being in the phone and although I tried to explain why I needed to make this call I realised my words were jumbled. I gave up my attempt to call her and rushed through the scanners praying that no liquids were left in my case.
My heart was in my mouth. Hopefully security would have no reason to stop me or stop my case right?! Five minutes till my boarding gate closed. I quickly approached a woman officer as I waited for my stuff to appear and heart racing like crazy asked her what happens when you only have four minutes til boarding closes? Can you possibly call them and tell them I'm on my way??? I asked. She looked at me with sympathy but then shook her head. Sorry, no can do. She explained. Oh I see. I tried to stay calm. She then kindly proceeded to advice me on a short cut to departures. Nodding profusely, heart still in my mouth I suddenly saw my stuff coming through the scanner seemingly without any problems. Thank you Jesus!! Three minutes til boarding closes. I thanked the woman, grabbed my bag and bits and literally ran to departures the way she had advised me. My phone rang. It was Bianca asking me where I am. About to dive in the lift I explained. I ran into it, waiting to go down to departures. Short of breath I frantically asked Bianca if I was going to miss the flight? To my amazement she said no!!! What??! Wow! Seriously? That was an incredible relief! Come quickly she said though - I'm at the boarding gate. Big sigh. Wow!!!! THANK YOUUUUUU Jesus!!! I can't actually believe it. I couldn't believe the gate hadn't even closed. Yet I absolutely could believe it because God is soooo good!! I was so thankful. So relieved. Yayeeee!! I hadn't missed boarding for my flight. I still had a few minutes.
Unable to contain my gratitude and joyful relief I got off the phone and turned to the passengers in the lift. It was jam packed and I addressed everyone excitedly!! Yay!! I'm not going to miss my flight I happily shouted!! Happy dance. They stared at me blankly! Clearly unmoved. You see I thought I was going to miss my flight but I'm not going to now, I added awkwardly. Followed by a feeble....Yay!! Errrr, still no expression. Not even a smile. Fine!! You clearly don't care I thought to myself. You probably don't even understand what I'm saying right? But it didn't didn't matter if they understood or not because I'm not going to miss my flight! Woohooo!!
Now I just needed to get out of this lift and run through to gate twenty three, right? Last hurdle. Bianca would be at the gate and we would be able to go through to boarding. The gate would close any minute now but its fine because Bianca had just gone through to the Boarding lounge and I was ALMOST there!! The lift doors opened and impatiently sliding forward with small geisha-esq steps, I tactfully tried to encourage the people infront of me to exit the lift quickly. Ushering people towards the lift doors I flapped my hand whispering kinda loudly "come on people let's move...move...move...move!!!" As soon as the lift cleared slightly I proceeded to grab my suitcase with the same hand that I had been encouraging my blank faced fellow lift passengers to move with...only to find there was no case there!!!
Hmmmmmnn. I looked behind me. Nothing. I came out of the lift. I went back in the lift. Where was my suitcase??? Once again I walked out of the lift. SERIOUSLY like where was my suitcase??? Like a pleb, I began to ask my fellow passengers where my suitcase was!!! Did one of you mistakingly take it? I asked with a slight shrill in my voice??? Nobody was listening to me. Quel surpris eh??? Like seriously people it was actually comical. Especially when it dawned on me that I couldn't actually recall wheeling anything from security to the lift. My hand hadn't been pulling anything for quite a while now. Oh how hilarious?! How stupid can I be???? Oh my golly gosh. Of all the dopey things I have found myself doing surely this one was epic!! Because SUDDENLY I had a flashback of my suitcase STILL sitting in the grey tray on the conveyer belt. I am totally telling the truth!! I found myself retracing my footsteps in my mind and realised that in my crazy frantic rushing I had grabbed my rucksack, passport and flung on my jacket but had NOT EVEN PICKED UP MY SUITCASE!! DOHHHHHH!!! I mean who does that???! Seriously who in their right mind forgets their suitcase in security?
This was actually beyond crazy right?!!!! Was I EVER gonna make this flight. I mean what kind of darn warfare was this?! Or what kind of stupidity. All over again the fear tried to attack me. Imagine if I don't get this flight. Imagine IF AFTER ALL THIS I actually miss my flight because even though I was in the airport I forgot my suitcase in security. I mean just call me Mr Bean. I didn't know if I should just laugh or cry. Frantically I ran back into the lift. Up to the next floor. Literally screeched out of the lift doors. Retraced my steps. Ran right back through the NO ENTRY one way system that led back to security!! Couldn't even remember which aisle I had used. Ran back to the first one. Asked one of the security officers if I'd left my suitcase. He looked at me as if I was on drugs. No time to care. I ran further down. I kept going until I recognised the security aisle I had put my case through. Profusely thanking God that my suitcase would be found there. I very quickly saw it. Another security officer stood next to it clearly wanted to know which idiot still hadn't claimed it. Errr thanks officer that would be me. I approached him. It's mine, I frantically explained, barely able to breath. Grabbing the trolley handle I thanked him as I pulled it away from him.
He looked at me like I was on crack. How can you forget your suitcase he asked. I tried to explain. I had FOUR MINUTES!!! Seriously buddy...FOUR minutes til my...til my...I wasn't even making sense. Not bothering to explain anymore I said thank you again and began to run through security once more, into the lift, back down to departures. I ran back through the shortcut. I ran and I ran and I ran, thanking God that the gates would NOT close. Gate twenty three seemed like a mile away. Stopping wasn't an option though. I continued to run until I got there. My phone rang, it was Bianca. Eek. What would she say about the flight??? Miraculously though she told me boarding hadn't even opened yet. WHAAAAAAT???? Oh my golly gosh. How crazy??? Thank YOUUUUUU JESUS!
Finally, I approached gate twenty three and there was Bianca, sitting in the boarding lounge. She waved. My heart filled with gratitude. It was such a relief to see her. It was SURELY the grace and mercy of God, that the airline hadn't even opened the boarding gate yet despite the boarding pass stating gates should have closed over fifteen minutes ago. How can that even be? Oh the trauma!! Oh the relief. What we had gone through to get on this plane was crazy. Yet as I finally sat down next to her I felt the comfort of knowing all the drama had totally been worth it. Despite the fear, despite the temptation to magnify my circumstances...despite what seemed like an impossible situation, it had all been worth it because here we both were about to go on holiday to celebrate my birthday. The fight had totally been worth the opposition because what lay in the other side of the battle had surely been worth contending for!! We were going on holiday!!! Yaaaaaayyyyyyy!!!
Yet I had simply NOOOO idea just how VERY glorious and extravagant what God wanted to lavish me with, on the other side of this contention actually really was. Because to my incredible delight and wonder, as I began to tell Bianca about all the drama...about forgetting my suitcase etc etc...SUDDENLY I heard the voice of one of my close friends. Followed by another close mate!! And then in a whirlwind of delightful commotion and unfathomable surprise the next ten minutes consisted of me screaming with shock and delirious surprise as I discovered that this trip to Marbs wasn't just going to be me going with Bianca but Angie, Lucy and Ayanna...all my homegirls forevermore were also joining us!!! They had been there the whole time at the airport praying, interceding, pressing in and REFUSING to believe ALL their planning for the last three months, all their dreaming and scheming...all their delight in wanted to bless me and give me the best could be in vain.
Oh my GOSH!!! I simply had NOOOOO idea!! The odds had been stacked against me for sure yet I had had no idea of the vastness of the glory that actually lay on the other side of this delay to the flight. This seemingly impossible battle. I'd desperately contended to make this flight, convinced that there was simply too much to lose for this trip not to happen - yet I had no idea of the true extent of what was at stake...of what along with some of my church family and Bianca, my closest friends had even been planning for me the whole time. That behind the scenes, driven by love and intense affection for me they were preparing the most lavish surprise for me and they had needed me to stay connected...stay filled with faith...stay prayerful and confident. They were fighting for me and there was no way after all that had been invested into this that letting it be stolen was an option.
You know what? I believe this is exactly what it's like in our fight for the kingdom...for the fullness of salvation...for all that the Father intended in His heart for us when He gave His very best...when He gave up His only begotten Son as a sacrifice so that we wouldn't perish...so that we would have the fullness of abundance and live the Zoe life. So that we would have YADA relationship with the Godhead and the fullness of what that brings...for the fulfilment of all that God promises...no matter the fears...the opposition...the doubts...the obstacles...the circumstance...NO MATTER WHAT...the price which has been paid is faaaaaaaaar too much to fathom...the investment that has been made on our behalf is faaaaar too costly for us to even think for one moment that God would NOT come through...that He would not fulfil His promises...that He would not give us His VERY best...because He has already done that VERY thing and losing is NOT AN OPTION! US missing it is NOT ON GOD'S AGENDA!
We simply miss it because we don't recognise what God has already done. The price that has already been paid. The irreplaceable sacrifice that has already taken place. I mean if we really understood that...if we really grasped the reality of the price God has already paid in laying down His very Son we would partner with God with such audacious, faith filled confidence, knowing that He can, He will and He wants to see the very best take place in our lives. Anything less is simply not worth the sacrifice that took place.
He wants to release the miraculous...the supernatural...He wants us to trust Him for the impossible...He wants us to magnify Him above our circumstances...He wants to bless us...use us...radiate through us...He wants to show up...to see us partner with His beautiful Holy Spirit and push the boundaries and believe God for the impossible...to pray...to apply His principles...to wage a good war...to stand firm and believe that He is innately good...to truly recognise that losing out is simply not an option...for what has already been sacrificed...already been invested and poured out through the blood of Jesus is far too precious not to contend for....and although Christ has already paid in full...although the victory has already been won...we must be unshakeably confident that on the other side of each battle are spoils that the Father is standing at the ready desiring for us to enjoy if only we believe that in His perfect love He will never withhold any good thing from us...not because we deserve it but because of His own name's sake...for the sake of what His beautiful, perfect Son sacrificed in order for us to share the victory.
Nearly missing that flight was such a powerful lesson for me...choosing to contend for the supernatural...choosing to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and refusing to settle for anything less than the utmost goodness of God...being so confident of the investment that had been made and the price that had been paid compelled me to press in for the fulfilment, no matter how strong or impossible the opposition appeared. I was incredibly thankful for the Word I had unknowingly fed myself on, days before my flight which I could hold on to and which equipped me to walk in the spirit and not respond in the flesh when the obstacle came. I was so thankful for the gift of praying in tongues and the nearness of the Holy Spirit. So so thankful for it all. What an amazing way to start this little holiday. Four days away in the sunshine secretly planned by my close friends and paid for by my church family to celebrate my 40th birthday. I mean what manner of love is THIS? Wow, totally undone by this incredibly love the Father has lavished upon us. But that I guess is for another blog.
As a principle, the concept of going around the same mountain until we learn the lesson is pretty straightforward right - if you don't want to repeatedly go round the mountain simply learn the lesson the first time. Doh it's not rocket science. Yet in reality you often don't even recognise you're going around the same mountain until you've done it a few times too many. Or you experience so many blind spots, you lose perspective and can't see beyond the mountain. I have definitely experienced going round a particular mountain and then going round it again...and again...and again...and oh look here I am again going round it...that same darn mountain...confused...broken...frustrated. HOWEVER I think I might have just finally learnt the lesson I needed to haha!! Yay breakthrough...happy dance!
It's all to do with my finances, see. Basically, I left my profession over five years ago. God didn't tell me where I was to go, just that I was leaving teaching. I resigned. I started living by faith. God showed up, properly flooring me with His constant provision - I set up Living in Light. I got creative. I lived day by day not having any idea how God would provide, but totally enjoying the adventure. Even when it was scary. Even when it was too close for comfort...even when it was humiliating, even then I would see myself untarnished by lack, unmoved by anxiety and totally steadfast in my faith. Favour surrounded me like a shield. Everything I needed, I had. Hunky dory. It was all glory.
At this point I wasn't fussed about having wealth. I had a mindset that I was just happy to live by faith. As long as I was in the centre of God's will. Just as long as I had enough to pay my bills I was content. I assumed that I'd spend all my days living like this - day to day, miracle to miracle. Always walking out faith in the red right? Always trusting Papa to bring me everything I needed. Even with my business, just wanting to be faithful with my creativity - not striving to expand my borders to accumulate wealth through my creativity or anything remotely like that.
But then after three years of living like this, God started talking to me about being successful. Asking me what I wanted. Bobs, He pretty much said, I've got your needs covered but I wanna to know what you want in your heart. Do you want to be successful? Do you want to accumulate wealth? Don't you want to bring in streams of income from all of your giftings? Because that's how I've created you - to be one that brings in streams of income from walking in all that you do well. He began to prompt me. Don't you want to be rich???? What?? Rich? I ask. But isn't that off key? Isn't that selfish ambition Father? Isn't that unbiblical? Isn't that worldly? And then Papa begins to enlighten my heart.
He tells me that He actually made His children to be extraordinarily fruitful. That with Him on my side of course I can expect to be successful. That He has gifted me to be successful. To be excellent. To take dominion. And then He challenged me - if I don't have wealth how am I going to even bless the kingdom? How am I going to making an impact with diddly squat in my bank account? How am I going to change the world without the resources to do it??? I felt Him saying to me, I can trust you with wealth - I have tested your heart - because you have given up all you have for me...because you have not held back your possessions from me...because you have stewarded your finances well...because you have never served mammon...because you trust me and know that I am your source and your provider. Because you have been faithful with the little - I can now release much to you. And then He drops a Proph and tells me that because of all of that, I would have more wealth than I knew what to do with!! Wow!! HELLO PROSPERITY! Holy gamoly!! How amazing right???!
I started spending more...giving more...expecting more. However after this heavy revy and incredible prophetic word, the poo suddenly hit the fan and lack kicked in like I'd never imagined. I spent the next 18 months dying on the inside as I became so discouraged - always going month to month only ever scraping through. Although untold favour still surrounded me and I still got so blessed and I travelled and had so many mini breakthroughs I nevertheless didn't experience complete breakthrough. I seemed to have to for the most part live on this debilitating low budget deal til kingdom come! It became unbearable when I ended up having to put stock for my new collection on my credit card. I felt so burdened about paying it back. Every time I'd get any money I'd wack it on my credit card quick time hating the thought of being in debt. I literally wouldn't shop for food - it was the least of my priorities. The thought of putting food on my credit card was super disheartening - I knew God was my provider and I never ever went without, but I'd wrestle constantly with a lack of peace about getting in more debt over groceries so I'd keep everything to a bare minimum.
I would grieve that I didn't have enough to give out. Never was I able to constantly bless. Sure I could do it once in a while but not as a lifestyle. Another massive place of wrestling. I knew God could and would deliver me from the debt and it could happen in a split second or over months - He would surely sustain me but in the meanwhile I'd spent months if not years calculating all my financing - balancing my somewhat divine ledgers of miracles, blessings and self employed income day by day trusting I'd somehow have enough. And don't get me wrong I always did have enough. But most often than not I only ever just had enough to get by. Yet I was trusting that I was being a good steward of what I did have. Being wise. Not being extravagant. Spending within my means. Not putting groceries on my credit card. Not indulging in any way.
Yet what I didn't realise is that this season wasn't about stewardship. This season was about sonship. A son doesn't worry if his dad's got enough to pay for his ice cream. He just asks for ice cream. A son doesn't take on the burden of his fathers finances - he just lives care free knowing his dad's got it covered. I believe that's what the Father wanted from me. Not to calculate every little penny I spend but to go ahead and buy all that I needed. To not sweat the small stuff. To just trust that my dad in heaven wants to, and will get me everything I need. Simultaneously I believe He wanted me to work from home not needing to temp or reach, and to give generously out of what I didn't seemingly have. Even though I wanted to bless so many ministries or people I would only give out if what I had and so often if I did not have the physical cash I wouldn't be able to give. Yet I felt Papa prompting me to give out of what I did not yet possess. I also felt Him properly telling me to work on my own ministry at home and not even consider any other work coming in.
So I did. I stayed at home and concentrated on Living in Light and the Sexual Purity stuff. I started blessing people on my credit card or the little bit that I had in my account completely trusting that God was going to provide. Please be aware folks that I'm not encouraging people to use their credit cards or leave their jobs and stay at home, but this was what God I believe was asking me to do. It wasn't about the money. It was about my faith. About me obeying. About me choosing to be a vessel when it didn't seem like my cup was running over. Choosing to be a vessel for other people's needs, and allowing God to be the source. And I'm so grateful I did. I'm so so grateful because I've not been round that same mountain since. I'm so thankful that I finally yielded to this principle and learnt the lesson the Father was teaching me, because the fruit has been mind blowing. Can I share...?
So I'd been pressing in and giving out of what I didn't have and feeling this fresh grace and my faith was rising up. I was still in debt of course - I owed a grand on my credit card and then a few hundred pounds here and there. But I had total peace. I was going to simply spend like a son, carefree and unburdened and let my Papa pay the bill and let Him work out the how and when. I was going to give generously out of what I did not yet possess. I was going to work from home and trust the peace inside me of fully concentrating on Living in Light. And I was going let go of old formulas, old breakthrough methods and to simply trust like never before. And with this peace and rest I headed over to Chosen - our yearly church prayer camp. Sweet.
On the second day of the camp, I found myself walking past the intercession tent and to my delight all the intercessors were in there and no one else knew they were there so I was like HELLO PRAYER MINISTRY OPP!! I totally envisaged me dreamily sitting in the middle while they all prayed for me. Just what I needed actually. I knew I'd be serving nonstop at the camp and this rare window to receive prayer, seemed like a divine kiss from heaven. I went in the tent but all the intercessors had their eyes closed and were interceding away totally absorbed in prayer. After joining them in prayer for a few minutes I realised personal prayer ministry on this occasion wasn't going to happen, so I headed over to the Hospitality tent.
Yet to my delight one of the intercessors came into the hospitality tent a few minutes later and told me she felt God saying they should all pray for me! SWEEEEEEEEEET!! How is that for a divine encounter? I all but skipped back to the prayer tent. Aaaah Father You are so good. To my joy exactly what I had seen with the eyes of my heart happened. They all gathered around me and prophesied, laid hands and prayed for me!! Yay!! At the end they asked me if I had any specific needs. I searched my heart. Despite the peace I now felt about my finances I felt God pulling on this. I knew I wasn't walking in the fullness of abundance. I knew I needed breakthrough. I wanted my life to prosper even as my soul prospered. And so I found myself asking for prayer for my finances. I then found myself weeping. Overcome with heartache at how hard it had been. I shared how I wanted to be someone who can give without limit. I then found myself confessing my deep frustration at owing a grand on my credit card when I had been debt free not so long ago.
And so they prayed for me. With great love and power they interceded for me. They broke stuff. They ministered to me and comforted me. It felt great. I felt like it was such a blessing to receive prayer in such a personal way. I was faith filled and excited, no matter what happened I knew God had shown up on my behalf. I left the tent (skipping on the inside). Yet just how much He'd actually shown up on my behalf would not be apparent until that evening, when one of the intercessors approached me during the evening ministry time asking if she could talk to me. Looking slightly embarrassed she asked me not to be offended. She then proceeded to share how she had oddly found herself in the prayer tent earlier. She wasn't actually one of the intercessors but had found herself accompanying a friend into the tent. She had come to this camp desperate to hear God's voice after struggling to hear Him clearly. As she has sat in the tent, me in the middle, praying over me, she had heard God clearly instructing her to pay off my debt. She had heard the sum she was to give to me yet at that point wasn't even sure if I would require that particular amount. She wrestled with God asking Him how she could even be sure I needed that particular amount. The amount God was asking her to give me was exactly a grand. In the midst of her internal dialogue with God questioning if a grand would even make a difference to me, I said I owed a thousand pounds on my credit card.
And there she stood in front of me that evening, brimming over with humility...such a gentle , beautiful spirit, afraid she would offend me...yet compelled to come and speak to me. Asking me if it was okay with me if she gave me a grand. Whaaaaaatttt???? A grand? To pay off my credit card? From the Father? Just like that? And this precious sister had obeyed. I was floored. Oh my gosh. What manner of love is this? How kind is our Father in heaven. And what an incredible woman of God. That she would come quickly to share so that she couldn't back out. She transferred the money into my account the next day. Just like that. And I paid off my card in a split second. I testified the next day and shouted Gods fame for praise Him for His incredible kindness. As far as everyone was concerned my debt had been paid off...yet I still owed a few hundred on another card for food shopping and other outgoings. Two days later another Intercessor came to me with an envelope filled with £250. She told me God had awoken her the night before telling her to give this amount to me. It was precisely what I needed to get completely out of debt. Crazy right???? Maaaan!!! This looooooove????
Since that day I have stepped into crazy financial breakthrough like never before. It's like I've stepped over the threshold. The stronghold of lack has been broken. Business is going so well and the Father has confirmed His instruction for me to work from home by continuously bringing me sale upon sale. Blessing upon blessing. Provision upon provision. I've been killing it with food shopping too...
I have definitely questioned if it was my own fault that I stayed in this place of lack as long as I did. I recall as far back as fifteen months ago when God was prompting me to give out of what I didn't have as a lifestyle. I did for a while. Major breakthrough came, but somewhere along the line there was a glitch in the matrix, lack showed up again and I stopped giving from a place of faith - once again not feeling as if I was able to bring little more than my tithe. I have also realised that this whole time I was trying to steward what was in my hand with diligence - not being extravagant with any spending, keeping everything to a bare minimum...feeling blessed by the Lord with all I need but spending very little on myself and wanting to bless others with what little I did possess...and the whole time I could have actually have bought whatever I had needed and popped it on my credit card...I could have shopped in waitrose instead of Lidl...I could have gone out to dinner instead of having toast at home...I could have bought the shoes and heck I could have bought the ice cream!! The Father would have paid off this debt for me whatever I would have spend it on knowing my Father cared about me and wanted me to live as a son and not as a servant. This miraculous debt cancellation would have happened no matter what, yet my journey through this process could have been so fruitful and without so much inner turmoil and wrestling,
I'm sure I could have learnt the lesson sooner too. Im sure could have stopped going around this mountain a looooooong time ago!!! But heyyyy bygones - it's actually totally okay because none of its in vain. I was properly stretched, purged and pruned. And though it took me soooo long to get it, all the lessons I learnt in the process have strengthened my faith...have demonstrated Gods goodness and faithfulness in my life in phenomenal...my mind has been renewed and my perspective has changed. I trust God for my provision more now than ever before. I have learnt to hear and obey His voice in a new way. To follow His leading above every other pull. To trust Him not just with my needs but with my wants too. To go from being a steward who is seeking to be faithful with what he is being entrusted with...to becoming to a faith filled son who's good good father who longs to bless his children, owns the whole lot anyway.
What incredible treasure right? I'm so so thankful that my heart finally got it. Yet you know, despite the pain of the process...the length of the lesson...the sadness in the storm...I bless it all...and if truth be told I would do it all over again...if it meant learning what it means to step out of stewardship and into sonship.
Nikaó: The New Collection
Nikaó: to conquer, prevail
Original Word: νικάω
Part of Speech: Verb
Transliteration: nikaó
Phonetic Spelling: (nik-ah'-o)
Short Definition: I conquer, overcome
Definition: I conquer, am victorious, overcome, prevail, subdue
HMUA: Bianca Rose
Model: Faith Kareber
Photography: Cat Lane
Super stoked to share this little documentary created by HeartSparks - a fantastic creative organisation founded by friend of Living in Light Kenny Temowo. The film documents some of the story, the heart and inspiration behind Living in Light and how I came to set it up and it captures so much of what the very concept of Living in Light is all about. Yayeeee...happy dance. x
Image Credit: http://Pinterest.com
For a very long time God has been dealing with a deep deep deeeeeep issue in my life. I'm thinking maybe a good few years actually. A massive area, deeply rooted, which has layers upon layers I guess. It all started off with me coming to terms with the fact that I had simply lost my voice. Despite being a leader, having a fair bit of influence...having so many loving, encouraging people around me...somehow, somewhere along the line I had, in the name of humility and protocol chosen to stay silent rather than voice my opinion...perhaps because of not wanting to rock the boat in relationships...or so as to not appear rebellious or unspiritual...or for fear of rejection or being misunderstood...I don't know really...all I know is that I had become voiceless.
Now to look at me you would think that's just stupid. Most people would label me very vocal and outspoken but I'm simply not. Most often than not if I don't feel safe or valued I just keep my thoughts to myself. I was in heart turmoil as God began to reveal this stuff. Slowly I realised that I simply couldn't fear relationships breaking down or people rejecting me as a reason for not speaking up and voicing my thoughts. Especially when God had positioned me to speak, to have a voice...to influence. If I stayed silent out of a false sense of humility I was hardly stewarding the voice He has given me right? So here Papa was urging me - urging me hardcore - to face up to some truths. I had to be willing to reveal my thoughts and my opinions with confidence when needed - in the moments where staying silent had been my posture...and I had to understand that my thoughts were just as God centred as the next person's.
I had to be willing to work through conflicting perspectives without fear of messiness. I had to be willing to not always agree with everyone and I had to be willing to fight for what was in my heart. Bottom line - I had to confront some stuff. Whether I liked it or not, I had to engage in courageous communication in order to be more authentic...and in order to be free. It was properly horrid but I realised that not confronting it and remaining mute was far worse. And so I began. I started to communicate courageously despite the discomfort and vulnerability. I started to speak up. Perhaps not in a conventional way but in a way that was powerful and liberating for me. Amazingly as I began to walk through this my relationships actually got stronger and authenticity of a greater degree kicked in. Note to self - speaking up in love is healthy.
But God wasn't done yet. Not by a looooong shot. As I navigated through the choppy seas of brave communication and slowly began to find a place of peace in the battle that had surrounded me, He began to go deeper in my inners about fear of man. Eeeeek how crazy? I didn't even know how deeply rooted this stuff was. He began to show me that just as in the name of humility I had succumbed to being silent...in my fear of man and fear of rejection I had also lost my fire. Great - thanks God, nice one. Haha, painful to discover but unfortunately true. He showed me that the wild, intrepid dancing girl who came into the kingdom wide eyed...guns blazing, had somehow lost her fiery ammunition and conformed to the expectations of others - thinking it was humility, but in actual fact it was a form of religion. Eeeeek eeeek eeeeek. A thousand times eeeeeek!!
He began to show me stuff that needed to change, as He enlightened the eyes of my heart. He also had children of God speak words of truth into what I can only describe as an identity crisis I was having. Somewhere in my journey as a Christian a lid has been put on and I'd lost myself. Sure, when I came to God there was soooo much He needed to purge out of me...what with all the sex, drugs and rock and roll but there was tons of stuff I now realise that He wanted me to keep, to enjoy, to radiate...but somewhere along the line in the pursuit of dying to self and being humble, I had let the sparkle in me die too. I had let the fiery way in which God made me...the sassy, bold, brash, in your face, wild, love the limelight, dancing, glowing gal become a gentle wall flower...and newsflash that's JUST NOT ME!! Haha!
Don't get me wrong - I love love looooove the grace, the love, compassion and I do believe quiet strength I walk in. I desperately needed to be tamed by God's presence and I'm so grateful for all the foul living and messed up thinking that was removed from my life...but I have come to understand that some of the stuff I was led to believe needed to be purged and pruned out of me because it was apparently part of the old me is actually very much part of the divine way in which I was fashioned. It's very much part of the way God will use me and although it may at times be too much for the church, it's by no means too much for God. And so in the midst of all this inner stuff God was working on He began to reveal to me through our time together and through beautiful brothers and sisters in Christ that fear of man HAD TO GO. This was the time to fully embrace who I was in God...to unapologetically radiate His wild side and to not hold back.
To dance, to sing, to scream, to shout...to shine His light without caring what people think...I was told a very powerful statement - "God is not intimidated by you being amazing". Like oh my gosh how liberating!!! You see for the longest time I was crippled by fear of disappointing God. Of making it about myself instead of Him. Of shining brightly my own radiance and trying to steal the glory away from God. I fled from the limelight. I kept silent. I tried my utmost to die to my desires - even my God given ones - in order to flee from selfish ambition and to be yielded. And don't get me wrong I did all those things from a pure heart...a heart that desperately wanted to prove faithful before God...a heart that wanted to have Christ seated in the centre of it. Yet in my desperation to 'humble' myself before God and man...I think I totally lost myself.
For fear of getting it wrong, I simply conformed to what people around me said I should do or say or be. But it's not anyone else's fault. I am surrounded by the most amazing, loving people anyone could ever desire. I am soooo blessed by the relationships I have. But I cannot be defined by them. I have to be me...and I now realise that I have to be true to who that is in Christ. Even if it's not conventional or expected or if it doesn't follow the norm. And the exciting thing is that all the gorgeous people around me totally want that for me - they fully want me to be me in God - but because I didn't know what that was I guess, I conformed a lot along the way...which is my error not anyone else's. And so as God began to awaken this stuff in me I knew it was time for the lid to come off. It was time for me to fully embrace the way God had made me and to not be apologetic about it.
It was time for me to be completely comfortable with letting Gods light shine through me. It was time for the fear to go - fear of stealing Gods glory - fear of failing - fear of man - fear of rejection. It was time to not be shy about being amazing in God. And to let others do the same. And somehow I now find myself on the other side of this undoing. I find myself unbridled. I can now look back and see how God's beautiful Spirit moved in my life over the last few years to help me see as He sees...sometimes it moved incredibly violently...sometimes a little more gently...in order to renew my mind and take me to a higher place as an image bearer of God. And today I stand here a little bolder...a little freer...a little more dazzling.
And it's changed not just how I see myself but how I see others. I want to call out the radiance in them. I find myself hungry to raise people up. I want those in my care to step out and be incredible in God. I want them to be bold...to have faith in God's ability to preserve them from falling, as they simply go wild for Him. I want my ceiling to be their floor. I don't want there to be a lid on any of them. I don't want them to have to ever hold back on being who they have been called to be, just to conform to what may be expected of them. Because as I have recently discovered... "God is not intimidated by any of us being amazing". On the contrary, our beautiful, ever radiant Father of lights, delights in it.
x