I missed God so much. It had been too long since it had been just Him and I alone. Lingering. Enjoying. Abiding. Deep worship encounters at church had been sustaining me. A period of fasting last month had kept me going. Praying each morning on Skype had brought strength. Talking to God and reading the Bible on my phone first thing each morning as I lay in my bed preparing for another insanely busy day in an insanely busy season has kept my connection with heaven flowing. Yet it wasn’t enough. Sure, it was strengthening and renewing and life giving yet none of it compared to simply being with Him. To feeling Him so close. To beholding His beauty and being consumed from the inside out.
As I pulled on my converse and threw my stuff together, ready to rush out of the house this morning, I reminisced on the last time I’d experienced this tangible, intoxicating presence of God’s nearness during my ordinary day. I calculated that it had been about a month. Wow. A whole month since the walls of my flat had experienced the sweet sweet echo of my unhindered praise. A whole month since my laminated flooring had felt the weight of my knees surrendered in worship. A whole month since the King of glory had been offered my undivided attention. My undiluted affection. My uncluttered mind. A whole month since He’d been given permission to woo my heart with His sheer indescribable loveliness. My heart ached as I remembered what that felt like.
Imagine my sheer delight then when my plans for today changed and my afternoon appointment got cancelled. Haaaaa. The joy. YESSS! I grabbed my Bible as soon as I walked through the door and walked into the kitchen. I found myself in Psalm 119. I read the first verse. It instantly floored me.
“BLESSED (HAPPY, fortunate, to be envied) are the undefiled (the upright, truly sincere, and blameless) in the way [of the revealed will of God], who walk (order their conduct and conversation) in the law of the Lord (the whole of God's revealed will).” Psalm119:1 (AMP)
Suddenly I was smacked in the face by the scandalous unfathomable blessing of having the truth of God revealed to me. What an incredible gift that is for people that know truth. For those who have had the truth unveiled to them. Flip. Flip. Flip. Aaah. The Mercy. To think I was once in the dark. Anyone who walks in the truth now was once in the dark. Jesus thank You for revealing Your truth to me. Where would I be without Your beautiful truth. All these thoughts went through my mind as I read this verse and began to sob hysterically. He was right there. Even before I finished reading the verse He came. BAM. His sweet presence, flooring me with His nearness.
I was awe stuck. His beauty and lavish companionship is so freely bestowed upon us. He is so kind. I love Him so much. He is so beautiful. He began to fill my heart with compassion afresh for the lost. For all those who haven’t yet had the truth unveiled to them. Who haven’t seen or understood or accepted the truth.
I was overcome afresh with my own inability to walk in truth. In my own humanity I can never truly know truth. I can only walk in truth because it has been revealed to me by God. It is the truth of God that undefiles me and causes me to be upright, truly sincere, and blameless like this scripture says, because it is Jesus’ righteousness that I am hidden in, not my own ability to pursue truth.
Where would I be without Him? How would I live a day without His truth guiding me? As I prepare to publish my book Sacred Sexuality and begin to speak about the contents in the book I felt Him remind me ever so acutely that though I may have written this book and though I may have been beautifully delivered from a life of darkness into wonderful truth but that discovery of truth is not of anyone’s own doing. It is in God’s mercy and grace that He has ever so kindly and compassionately revealed that truth to me. I cannot boast in my own ability to walk in truth. I can never consider myself in any way superior to someone who may not yet know the truth - because truth is not a mere pursuit of man but it is in fact a gift from God.
Oh how I love His presence. How I love His Word. I just love love love how He was waiting all along...I love how the moment I opened His Word instantly He took me on a journey into the supernatural...I began to travel a road of heavenly adventure in His Word unveiling treasure and truth. This is what I had missed so much. This glorious glorious unravelling that comes when we hang out together. It’s not to say I hadn’t been abiding with Him over the last month - I totally had. But I hadn’t beheld Him. I hadn’t stopped everthing. Dropped everything. I hadn’t travelled with Him in the supernatural.
I stand in complete awe of the scandal of His nearness. It blows my mind that the minute I looked at Him and gave Him my gaze He instantly came. The very second I beheld His Word with a heart that was so desperately hungry for Him, He tangibly showed up. And He did not come empty handed. He came ladened with gifts. The gift of His affirmation...His acceptance...His delight...The gift of fresh revelations of His love and kindness. The gift of His timeless truths...and the gift of His presence. All so intricately intertwined with one another. All so nourishing and delicious yet so insatiably appetising...rendering me overflowing with satisfaction, yet hungry for more.