What if some of the struggles we experience in relationships aren’t actually relationship problems, but love and identity problems?

Whether we’re single, dating or married, we all desire to be loved. We want to feel valued, accepted, chosen and secure. There’s nothing wrong with that desire. God created us for relationship.

However, problems arise when we begin looking to another person to give us something that we were designed to receive from God.

Jesus made it very clear where love must begin.

In Matthew 22:36–39, He was asked which was the greatest commandment in the Law. His response was:

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. The second is like it, You shall love your neighbour as yourself.” (Matthew 22:37–39, AMP)

Notice the order.

Love God first. Then love your neighbour as yourself.

I believe there’s something incredibly important here that we can easily overlook, particularly when it comes to romantic relationships.

Love Begins With God

When Jesus tells us to love God with ALL our heart, soul and mind, He’s not simply talking about having affectionate feelings towards Him.

The Greek word used for love is agapaō, which speaks of a love expressed through commitment, choice and action.

In other words, loving God involves our entire lives.

Our hearts — what we desire, value and pursue.

Our souls — who we are and how we live.

Our minds — what we believe, think about and allow to influence our decisions.

Jesus repeats the word ALL three times because God isn’t asking for a portion of our devotion. He wants our whole hearts.

But here’s something we must understand.

We cannot truly love God without first receiving His love for us.

1 John 4:19 tells us:

“We love because he first loved us.”

God’s love is the starting point.

It’s not something we earn through good behaviour, spiritual performance or getting everything right. It’s something we receive.

And the more deeply we understand His love for us, the more it transforms how we see ourselves and how we love others.

Do You Love Yourself With God’s Love?

For many years, I misunderstood something about loving myself.

Before I became a Christian, I loved myself more than God. When I gave my life to Jesus, I understood that I needed to die to that self-centred way of living.

But what I failed to realise was that I still needed to love myself — not with a selfish, worldly love, but with God’s love.

There’s a difference between making yourself your god and valuing yourself because God values you.

Jesus didn’t simply say, “Love your neighbour.”

He said, “Love your neighbour AS YOURSELF.”

This doesn’t mean we must become obsessed with ourselves or spend our lives pursuing self-love. It means learning to see ourselves through God’s eyes rather than through rejection, comparison, insecurity or shame.

I’ve come to believe something very strongly:

We cannot afford to have a thought about ourselves that God doesn’t have about us.

And the same applies to how we think about other people.

Your value doesn’t begin when somebody finds you attractive, asks you on a date, chooses to marry you or tells you they love you.

You were valuable before any of those things happened.

And if they never happen, your value doesn’t diminish.

When we don’t understand this, we can enter relationships expecting another person to establish our worth.

That’s a responsibility no human being was created to carry.

When Fear Starts Making Our Decisions

This is where things become particularly interesting.

The Bible tells us:

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.” (1 John 4:18)

Think about that for a moment.

If God’s love drives out fear, what happens when we’re not deeply rooted in that love?

Fear can begin influencing our decisions, sometimes without us even recognising it.

For someone who’s single, fear might sound like:

“What if I never get married?”

“What if nobody ever chooses me?”

“What if I’m getting too old?”

Suddenly, singleness stops being a season of life and starts feeling like evidence that something is wrong with us.

We compare ourselves with friends who are getting engaged or married. We question whether God has forgotten us. We might even begin compromising our standards because we’re afraid another opportunity won’t come along.

But there’s a significant difference between saying, “I would really love to get married,” and “I need to get married to feel valuable.”

One is a desire. The other can become an identity crisis.

And dating doesn’t automatically resolve those fears.

Sometimes it exposes them.

You meet somebody you really like, and suddenly you’re analysing every message, worrying when they don’t reply or trying to become the person you think they’ll find attractive.

Instead of asking, “Is this somebody I should be building a relationship with?” you’re asking, “How can I make sure they don’t reject me?”

Fear can cause us to focus more on being chosen than on choosing wisely.

And marriage doesn’t automatically heal these insecurities either.

Fear of abandonment can become possessiveness. Fear of rejection can become people-pleasing. Fear of losing somebody can become control.

Sometimes what looks like a relationship problem is actually an identity problem expressing itself within a relationship.

Of course, not every relationship concern is rooted in insecurity. Sometimes there are genuine warning signs or unhealthy behaviours that need addressing. Knowing God’s love doesn’t mean ignoring those things.

It means we’re better equipped to recognise them and respond wisely.

When Love Becomes Greater Than Fear

So how do we change this?

I don’t believe the answer is simply to become more confident, develop better communication skills or find somebody who makes us feel secure.

Those things can be helpful, but we need something much deeper.

We need to become so rooted in the extravagant love of God that fear increasingly loses its authority over our lives.

And this requires intentionality.

When fear rises, we need to stop and ask ourselves some important questions.

What am I actually feeling? What am I afraid of? What am I believing about myself, God or this person? Is that belief rooted in God’s truth? And perhaps most importantly, what would LOVE do if FEAR wasn’t making this decision?

Wow. What a question.

Because sometimes love would have an honest conversation rather than withdraw.

Sometimes love would establish a healthy boundary rather than compromise.

Sometimes love would release somebody rather than desperately cling to them.

And sometimes love would courageously become vulnerable rather than run away from the possibility of rejection.

This is not about pretending fear doesn’t exist. It’s about refusing to let fear govern our decisions.

And the beautiful thing is that as we continue receiving God’s love, we become increasingly free to give love without demanding that another person becomes our source.

We can desire marriage without worshipping it. We can love our spouse without making them responsible for our identity. We can pursue relationships without compromising our convictions simply to be chosen.

Because we already ARE chosen and deeply loved by the One whose love matters most.

And perhaps this is why Jesus made loving God the FIRST and GREATEST commandment.

Because when He occupies His rightful place in our hearts, everything else begins to find its rightful place too.

My prayer is that we would become a people so utterly captivated by the love of our beautiful Jesus that we no longer look to others to establish our worth, but instead become wonderfully free to love them with His love.

Not from insecurity. Not from desperation. Not from fear.

But from the glorious security of knowing we are already extravagantly loved.

And that, my friends, changes EVERYTHING.