Women and children in indian attire gathered together.  some carrying items on their head. <http://trajinandoporelmundo.com/viajes-exoticos-india-nepal/>

Women and children in indian attire gathered together.  some carrying items on their head. <http://trajinandoporelmundo.com/viajes-exoticos-india-nepal/>

4th June 2011

Been soooo long since I blogged!  Life's been just too busy to blog...sorry.  Back in India...hot hot hot...the mosquito's are seriously having a field day with my British blood...I am getting bitten non-stop and the relentless little buggers aren’t stopping for nobody!!  But it's all good even with all the blood sucking...cause it's been fab being with my mama again and all my beautiful lil brothers and sisters at the Orphanage...now that it's soooo hot we have an evening ritual where we sit in the garden and sing songs and watch the stars while about ten of them give me a massage...okay okay perhaps not a massage...who cares about massages anyway when you could get ten kids to softly tickle your arms and legs whilst singing songs to you...hoorah for kids that can multitask....

Soooo tomorrow we're going to open the church (next door to the orphanage) for the first time and dedicate it to God - we haven't invited anyone...how cool...it's just going to be us, the kids and God...woop woop...I am meant to be preparing a message for the service...but instead I am blogging...hmmm...IT IS WELL...I know what the Lord wants me to say...it's all brewing in my spirit...and I'm just going to let Him do His thang tomorrow...

We had a lil tiff as it happens...me and Jesus...I felt a wee bit let down by Papa Almighty...I know...who do I think I am...lol...anyhoo just to give you a little bit of context…I left my job following His instructions...I am walking by faith trusting Him for everything based upon His leading...and so I was believing Him to come through with provision at the end of May just like He came through at the end of April...but NADA...so here I am in India and in London all me bills are left hanging...with no provision...and I got no means of paying squat...and I’m like "KING JEEEEEESUS!!! Why is this happening!! I'm sooooo mad with You Lord!!  Pleeeeeeeease help me!!!  And I just kinda lose it cause I just don't know any other way but to believe Him for the miraculous and Him not apparently coming through is just soooooooo not like the God I serve...and so I'm mortified...my heads messed because I'm thinking...maybe I've come out of His will for my life that’s…maybe why He has left me hanging...(I know - thinking like a moron)...and maybe I shouldn't even have come to India...and then my hearts feeling totally crushed because it seems my Beloved has left me dry...anyhoo so I walk around like I’ve been shot for a few days...hahaha...and I can't pray...in fact I can't even look at God...but then my heart aches and I'm like..."Lord...I miss You...please help me see things your way...even if it all comes crashing down...even then have mercy on me and take me back into your presence"...

I mean I was actually weeping and weeping crying out to Him, as I read Psalm after Psalm out loud challenging our Father...(a little like King David...and all his drama) ...anyhoo bucket loads of big fat tears falling all over me bible...snot everywhere...heaving lungs from all the heavy weight lamenting...LOL!  I went to sleep and just begged God to restore me...and my faith.  And then I woke up the following day and none of the questions or the confusion seemed to matter anymore. All that mattered was that God was Sovereign and that He was Faithful - the same, yesterday, today and forevermore.  All that was of importance was that His LOVE NEVER FAILS and that He would work it out despite me not understanding...

And so He delivers me...phew!!...And all God's people say...Amen!!  Hahaha!  Don't quite know how I would have survived if that drama had continued even a moment longer!!  Despite now being over it - the situation nevertheless TOTALLY challenged me and it left me with a lot to think about...I truly wondered if I had messed up by presumptuously scheduled God's miraculous provision in and just arrogantly assuming that I knew how Almighty God was going to come through for me...I questioned if I had come out of God's will for my life and had been disobedient...I pondered if my faith was only strong when God was seemingly coming through according to my boxed thinking and whether it would fall apart when God didn't come through according to my limited understanding...

I really don’t know…but I've come to realise after my initial freak out/pity party/diva outburst that I know no other way but to believe...I am compelled to believe wholeheartedly...even when it seems as if God's left me hanging...I am still a prisoner of hope…because my inmost being knows that He hasn't left me high and dry - I just have to accept that I can't see the bigger picture!  And even when it appears that actually I may need to depend upon my own wisdom, my own provision and my own leading and have a back up plan in place in case He doesn't come through for me...I know that’s absolute rubbish and that I will continue to believe that He HAS come through for me even when everything around me looks as if He's bailed out on me.  And I gotta say I have certainly been mega challenged to be careful not to schedule in the miracles but to humbly EXPECT them...

Hmmmm...a tender time for lil old me I gotta say...but I'm smiling now - because at the very time that it would seem God has let me down and my trust in Him waivered that in fact I have found myself depending on Him deeper still...expecting all the more…knowing no other way…oh wow...the ways of God are so beautiful...don't you just LOVE Him???

Feels good to blog again...

Gandhi Eat Your Heart Out